Body. Blood. Sweat. Tears.

||| It's never been about the body, it has ALWAYS been about the blood. |||


Tonight I went on a night run.


I needed to free myself from the weight of my own self pity,
my deafening self righteousness,


that was cluttering my mind, and stifling my spirit.


And I found myself playing a game….


Could I run the last mile with looking at nothing but the green and red, orange and white lights in front of me?


Orange hand, caution; blink blink 3, 2, 1; white man, cross.



And I found myself trying to tune everything else out.
The steps I was taking in front of me,
the people on the street around me,
even the cars flying by next to me.


I tried to study every finger on the bright orange hand in front of me,
as the dark closed in around me,
until all I could see were the street lights.


And I remembered something.



How distracted I am every, single, day.



I wake up in the morning and all I can think is…

pee, coffee, face, hair, breakfast, clothes, work….
home, dinner, bed, sleep.

In that same damn order.


And every once in a while fun gets to replace work….
But even then.


Where is my Jesus?


Where have I put Him once again?

I haven't misplaced Him have I?


I sworeeeee I put Him rightttt here….
Damnit.
Those are my shoes.


Maybe here….
Shit.
That's my bank account.


Perhaps over in this area….
F$&@.
That's everything else that I care about and place before Jesus.


MY Jesus.


The LOVER, protector, and saver of my soul.


And I misplaced Him again like I would a shitty toothbrush.


It's on runs like these that I remember how stinkin hard it is to focus on Jesus.
To run the straight and narrow.


If only one is gonna get the prize,
then I better stop freakin stopping for dipped cones at Dairy Queen,
or this girl's gonna LOSE.


And as I finished up my run, Jesus reminded me that it is NOT about the body.
That my life and everything in it is worth nothing.
NOTHING.

Like Paul says…
"I count it all as rubbish",
literally meaning….
"I count all this other shit to be like menstrual blood"….loose translation…
for the sake of knowing Jesus.


So, it isn't, in fact, about the body at all.

It is, in fact, and always HAS been, about the blood.

Because it is by His sacrificial, redeeming blood,
that I am able to sacrifice my life, my longings, and my distractions,
and lay them down at the feet of Jesus.

Counting them all as nothing.


For the sake of knowing Him.
<--- loose="" p="" translation="">



So as I came upon my last intersection,

my phone died, music stopped, and I took just a brief moment to listen.


And He spoke those words into my heart.



I've been holding onto a lot lately.


Praying that in every step,
I pay attention to the details in the fingers on the orange hand of grace,
that is blinking right in front of me,
forgetting everything else around me,
knowing that if I fall,
the light of grace will still be blinking,
and the road will still be there, waiting for me to take my next step.


I may end up face planting every once in a while,
but then again….

If I don't get any battle scars running this race,
What will I have to show for when I claim my prize?


Jesus got some scars.


I think it's cool if I do too.


Forever His,
Rach

My name's Rachel. And I'm an addict.

Sometimes, I feel like Neo.

That this world is the matrix, and that if I concentrate hard enough, that I can see the real world through glitches in time. Those little windows where time itself stands still and I imagine a world without pain, without malice, without hopelessness, without fear. A world full of perfect Love and perfect justice. The marriage of spirit and truth. Where grace meets us with the warmest of kisses and never leaves our side, not even for a moment. THAT is the world I get glimpses of.

But then, I am brought back to the matrix. And I wish I hadn't taken the red pill. Now, I know the truth. And my heart never rests, until I am granted that next glimpse of the real world, Eternity, if you will. And I am once again reminded of the world to come, where I am no longer consumed by my selfishness, lust, pride, flesh.


I AM FREEEEEE.


And I am PERFECT.




----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Now….

I think we spend our whole lives trying to hide BEHIND our past.

Or, hide FROM it.


We all have dirt. You have dirt. I have dirt.

And it never really leaves us. It is just kind of always there. Haunting our thoughts, reminding us of the dirt and scum that we are. Or maybe that's just Satan…..but either way. It is crippling. It CRIPPLES us. Leaves us feeling hopeless, unworthy, and alone.

Even after we are freed from our sin, it somehow follows us.


Like an old blanket that we can't get rid of, because we are too attached.
(Linus would be proud.)


But Jesus calls us higher.
And He calls us deeper.


And that is the ONLY place where my sin, my past has to back the f%$# off.


Is at the feet of JESUS.


And it is there that I feel truly renewed.



But then, I am distracted again. Life catches up with me. And my past and my sin come back to haunt me. And the cycle starts over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am an addict."


^^^^^^^^^That is the lie that I believe daily.



Growing up, I had a lot of self esteem issues.


I was always slightly larger than my sisters and that bothered me.


When I turned 15, I started starving myself to get thin bc I was so unhappy.


Losing a bunch of weight made me very happy.




I was addicted.



Then, I started playing sports and not eating wasn't working, so I started making myself throw up.


And at 16, I had started an addiction that would last me 7 years.

I LIKED the feeling of power that came from throwing up.


I was in control of my body……but that was the f#$%ing irony though…..I was totally out of control.



And I could sit here and tell you how much I learned during those 7-8 years of my life, but I won't.




All you need to know is that God healed me.

END OF STORY.

Bye Felicia.



But my past follows me around like a shadow, or perhaps, sometimes I just hide behind it.


But either way, it isn't something that I share often. Partly, because I still struggle daily with wanting to feel accepted, loved.

I put up so many walls (like trying to come off as a badass) because I don't want people to see the real me. The tenderness of my heart, and the weightiness of my sin.


We all wear masks to some extent.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now my thing is drinking.


Sometimes, I feel like I'm an alcoholic.

No……MOST times, I feel like I'm an alcoholic.



Like…

When I'm sad, I want to drink.
When I'm mad, I want to drink.
When I'm happy, I want to drink.
When I'm bored, I want to drink.


Now, I know, I am NOT an actual alcoholic.

(I'm a nurse, I KNOW these sorts of things. Don't worry about it…..)



But, the enemy creeps in and shows me a transcript of my track record and says,
"Hey, you are an alcoholic. You can't live without it. You are an addict. That's what addicts do."


And I let the term "addict" define me.


And once again, I am stuck at a crossroads where my past, present, and future meet.


Who have I been.
Who am I now BEING.
And who am I going to be.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


And once again, I feel like Neo.


Stuck in the matrix.


My true self wasn't meant to have to struggle this much.
To feel SOOO enslaved by sin.


I am grateful for a Heavenly Dad who loved me so much that He would exchange my sin for His righteousness. His perfect life.

That's why they call it scandalous grace.



And I am forever thankful.




And right now, I just want you to know….


That if you feel lost tonight, stuck tomorrow, no place to go the next…


That there is HOPE for you.



And His name is Jesus.



He has healed me from my past addictions, and He will continue to free me from my future ones.





"I will run in the path of Your commands, because You set my heart free." Psalm 119:32




So I sit here tonight, 2nd drink in hand.


And I feel FREE.



Because HE ALONE, holds the keys to the real world.



HE ALONE can save me from this matrix.
MY matrix.










He is my Neo.



And He is THE ONE.



Forever His,
Rach

Why I love being single....for all the wrong reasons.

I had to take a deep breath before I began to write this one.

Truly, it has been a long time since I've written,
And honestly, I'm not even really sure if I'm still good at it.

But that's not why I had to take a deep breath.


I had to take a deep breath because
I'm scared of my own heart.

I'm scared that by writing these words, I'm admitting to something that I don't want to believe to be true.


But I'm gonna do it nonetheless.

-----------------------


I've been single my whole life. (or just about)

I "technically" had two boyfriends.
But we are talking technicalities here.

The first set an example for how I would be for the rest of my life:
Scared of commitment,
and scared of being dependent on someone other than myself.

You see, it was 9th grade.

I was no longer as awkward as I was in 8th grade, and I appreciated the attention of this cute  boy.

So naturally, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I immediately said YES!

Hallelujah! Someone wanted me! Liked me! Wanted to be with me!


But then, my mind began to turn. Did I really want this commitment?
This kid is already asking me to hang out this weekend. What if I have plans?

Yikes.

So I ran.


As soon as it began, it ended.

We started dating on a Friday, and broke up on a Monday:


I was one horrible person.


Now in hindsight, it was good things didn't go anywhere.


But I wanted to be single, and for all the wrong reasons.

--------------------------


The next boy I dated was my junior year of high school.


It lasted two months.....and it should have only lasted one.


I was afraid of hurting him,
so I held  out.


Hoping that something in my heart would change.
Or maybe I was hoping that he would change?

Either way, it was wrong.


And so, I ended it.


Again, for all the wrong reasons.


"I don't like how I get frustrated when he does this."

or

"He's just too immature for me. I can't handle it."

Do you see how both of these statements are about ME?


I just couldn't handle the heat of dating someone that was different than me in some way.
Or did something that I didn't like.

Wow. How selfish am I?!?

-------------------


Then came college.


And it felt like that as soon as it started, it had ended.


God worked a LOT on my heart in college.


I am thankful for the time I was single.
SO thankful.


But as the years went by, I began to tell myself that I LOVED being single.
That I had just idolized marriage and now I was free.

I told myself that I was content.
And for a while, I truly believe that I was!


But my contentment turned to selfishness.

And that selfishness turned to bitterness.


How BITTER I have been in my heart towards God.

For keeping me single all these years.


So I rebelled.

I rebelled HARD.


God didn't care about my desires.


So I was gonna do what I wanted. And I did.


Started kissing boys. I was almost 25 and never been kissed.
So THAT was gonna change!


Wow. How God has used this last year to show me a lot about the ugliness of my heart.


I am asking Him to turn this heart of stone to flesh once again.

And He is doing it!

Every day is a new day. But He is doing it.


-------------------------


So as I was driving in the car home today,
I realized that I love being single for all the wrong reasons.



This last year of my life consisted mainly of rebellion.


And I think a lot of that is because I am bitter over being single.


But then, the thought of dating someone scares the CRAP out of me!
(Not literally though, it's not like I have IBS or something from dating anxiety, but you never know...)


So here I am at a crossroads.


But I know that God is the only one who can change my heart.


So I encourage you, if you are single, do you love singleness for these following reasons as well?
Because if you do, you may also need some Jesus to help turn that heart of stone to a heart of flesh....

--------------------------


---> I like being single because I like being independent.

I do NOT like answering to someone. And THAT is sin.
That is a rebellion in my own heart.
God calls us to abide in Him.
"He is the vine, we are the branches." (John 15:5)

He says that apart from Him, we can do NOTHING.

So do you really think I'm glorifying God when I am idolizing independence?

Ummmm, let me think....

NO.

---> I like being single because I'm afraid of commitment.

I am deathly afraid of making the WRONG choice.
Guys, we make choices every. single. day.

But it is the idea of making one that affect the rest of my life.
THAT scares me.

And before you go into that whole "dating can be casual and it doesn't mean your getting married thing"....I get that.

But I'm 25.

And I'm not dating for fun anymore.
(Like I ever did in the beginning anyways, ha)

But you get my point.


God calls us to trust Him.
He COMMANDS us to trust Him with all our hearts. (Proverbs 3:5)

I am not doing that when I am afraid of commitment.


---> I like being single because I'm selfish.

Guys, this is the worst part.

I like being single because I am flat out selfish.


"I don't know how I would be in a relationship"...

BULLCRAP.

I do. And that's why I'm so scared.


Being selfless. Putting someone else first.

These things scare me so much.


And it's because I'm selfish.


What if I'll have to sacrifice my own time for the one that I love?


And you know what.....


I WANT to.



I really do.



I think this full blown realization is God's call on my heart.


He is preparing the way.


He always prepares us, equips us for a new season.


He is ALWAYS doing it.


And I know that marriage won't fulfill me.


And I know that dating won't cure the selfishness in my heart, only God can do that.



But I'm ready.


And I'm willing.


God, help us all to have our eyes open to the things that we idolize.

Let us not be deceived by our own hearts.


Intercede for us.



I am thankful that I am restless in singleness.
It means that I'm growing.


I just ask God that He would keep my heart content.



In the watching, in the waiting,
He is making melodies over me.


So I will wait. Patiently.


Will you wait with me?


Forever His,
Rach

Fireflies.

I saw fireflies tonight.


And not like one lonely one in my backyard.


I'm talkin like A LOT of fireflies.

Lighting up the earth.



Brightening the darkest corners.


Shining like stars on earth.





And as I walked down the darkening street..
they reminded of something.




I am always setting my goals SO high.
Like really REALLY high.




And I'm not talkin about fleeting goals,
like learning to play the guitar or losing 5 pounds.

I'm talkin about heart goals.
The deeper parts of myself that cry out to be better.




If you could only stop thinking about this, or sinning like that.
THEN, maybe,

Just maybe,


You will be more like Jesus.

You won't be as much of a disappointment.


You will be WORTHY of His love.


And y'all, I like always fall short.



ALWAYS.





And this evening, I was so. frickin. tired.


SO TIRED OF IT.


I can't be the woman, the DAUGHTER, He wants me to be.


I'm a loser, and a disappointment.

I'm ALWAYS falling short.






Y'all, we set our goals SO high.
ESPECIALLY as Christians.


We believe this lie as Christians that you can sleep when your dead.
Do as MUCH as you can now for the kingdom.


Well, I have news for you.

If you don't rest, you end up dead anyways.




You get SO overwhelmed by the "stuff" and take your eyes off Jesus.




And tonight, those fireflies reminded me that we tend to shoot for the stars.
Aim SO high.
When Jesus reminded me that He provides the stars, HERE.
Right now.
In front of me.


And Jesus just started speaking to me:
Stop aiming so high.
I am here with you NOW. In this moment.
I am tangible.
I am Immanuel. God WITH you.



Y'all, I love when my Father reminds me of why I am here.



Work doesn't fulfill.
My friends don't fulfill.
Alcohol doesn't fulfill.
Food doesn't fulfill.
My family doesn't fulfill.

JESUS fulfills.

And y'all, He is here WITH us.




He loves you.

You were created to be loved by Him

and to love Him back.



So.

Stop setting your goals too high,

And start setting your eyes on HIM.




And be reminded of His great GREAT love for YOU.



Because when you were still IN deep.
Sucked under.



DEAD
IN
YOUR
SIN.





He died for you.



That's love y'all.



Remember that.




Forever His,
Rach

Why I won't be celebrating "Single Awareness Day" this year.

Dear friend,


I have made a very big decision this last week.



I will not be celebrating "Single Awareness Day" this year.



WHAT?!?!?! You say?


Nope.


I can't.




I just. can't.


It has been decided.


Coming from the perspective of a very single 20-something young lady, who has never really dated, never been kissed, and never really been sure of herself for 20-something years,

I can tell you....this is a BOLD move.


I am very aware that I am single.

And I have never really had a problem with it.


SURE, there are the girls who really really REALLY want to be married.

And I COMMEND them.


They have a God-given desire, and I believe that God will bless those desires.


But I have never really been that girl.

Sure, I have liked guys.

Been "interested".


Thought they were CuUuUuUuuute.



But for a long LONG time, I have been ok with singleness.


Until recently.


God has really welled up this desire for marriage really REALLY recently.


Kind of like "I'm now on my own now, have my own job, and have to pay my own bills for the rest of my life, and I really don't want to do this alone. It would be nice to have a life-long friend, partner, bestie, LOVER."


I have never really been that girl. That girl who lives for the "Mrs" degree.
Who solely desires a big house, four children, and a long life of marriage bliss.

I think it's great.


But I think it can really go too far sometimes.


ESPECIALLY in the south.



Sometimes I feel like most of the Christian women in the south only desire one thing:
MARRIAGE.


Again, this is a God-given desire. And I think it's AWESOME.


But when all you can think about is who you're gonna marry, when you're gonna get married, and how many children you're gonna have,

I think you are cutting yourself WAY short.



And more than that, you are idolizing the one thing that God has given us as a representation of His covenant love.

And I don't want that to be a selfish love.


So the more I want it, the more I am THANKFUL.



I am thankful because I know how much marriage will never satisfy me.


I am thankful because I know how much MORE I need Jesus in this time of unfulfilled earthly desire.


I am thankful because I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the more I desire marriage, the more I will seek to desire HIM. Because He is the real lover, and I am the real beloved.


Dear friend,

If you are single, join with me in not celebrating Single Awareness Day this year.
If you are married, join with me in not celebrating Valentines Day this year.

Let us celebrate "Single Thankfulness Day" and "Marriage Thankfulness Day",

because I believe that we are to be thankful FOR BOTH.

But I believe that Jesus is the only one REALLY worth waiting for.

"Because He is my portion, I will wait for Him."
Lamentations 3:24



I wait for Him alone.


So come on beloved,

Let us be thankful for our singleness or for our marriage this February 14th.


Because in both, we are blessed.


Because HE is our portion. He ALONE is worth the wait.



HAVE JOY.


He is the fulfillment of every desire.



So WAIT.



Forever His,
Rach

The Difference Between Praise and Worship

This was gonna be a Facebook status, but it was way too stinkin long.

So here we go...

"Ministry to God (worship) is often put into the context of songs and not into life."  -Bill Johnson

 

I so often see the parallel between how our worship looks today and what David said many years before Jesus even came to earth: 

"You do not delight in sacrifice or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:16-17

David understood the importance of the internal sacrifices of the heart  (that bring transformation) even when external sacrifices were the practice of the day. He understood the importance of the presence of God.

Let us not merely bring our weekly external offering with just our songs on Sunday, but let us be transformed by the continuous internal offering of a sacrificial heart desperate for the continuous presence of God.

Just as the priests fell on their knees before God as His presence entered the temple (1 Kings 8:10) and as Isaiah gave His life as an offering when He was in the presence of God ("Here I am! Send me!" Isaiah 6:8), how much more should we also fall on our face and give our lives as an offering as we are being transformed from glory to glory.

I do not want my praise on Sunday to be equated with worship. Yes, it is a form of worship! Rather, my worship of God through the offering of my life spills over into the praise I bring Him through song. 

Let our lives be the offering. Everything else is just overflow.

Forever His,

Rach

Dirty Hands

Because being the hands and feet of Jesus means

 your gonna walk some dirty roads

 and touch some dirty things.




 And I'm EXCITED.



 Im excited to get messy, 

to reach into the dirt.


Because its when His hands and feet are willing to reach into the SHIT 


YES, I  said SHIT.


THAT, my friends,


THAT  is when people are brought to life.





Because He reached His hands into the shit to make you new.


And because there are so many people out there RIGHT NOW,
DEEP in shit (sorry for the cheesiness)



Who are just WAITING for someone willing to get their hands dirty.





Church, let's get dirty.




Forever His,
Rach