The Gift is NOT. LIKE. THE TRESPASS

As I sit here, sobbing uncontrollably, tears hitting the keyboard......I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by my sin.

Overwhelmed by what I have done.

Who I have hurt.

What has come of my sin.

I am unable to contain my sorrow.

I have messed up.

I have sinned against God, and I have sinned against the ones I love.

PULLING them down with every hurt and every struggle.

Allowing them to bare my burdens.

But even more so, unaware of how much that actually was.

I don't even know where to go from here.

I am free. Because He has set me free.

But that does not mean there weren't consequences.

I have hurt so. many. people. in my life.

LIED to so many.

And done so much damage to my friendships. To my family.

ALLOWED them to shed tears for me.

But even worse, often times was so numb to it, that I didn't. even. care.

So selfish.

So vain.

So hateful.

Where do I even go from here.

Allowed relationships to crumble.

Ignored those who I care about.

Where do I go from here.

I asked the Lord, in the midst of my suffering, to SHOW me the weight of my sin.

The gravity of it.

The depth of it.

And I thought that He had.

That He had already done that in the midst of my struggle.

But even more so, He is showing me NOW.

I can not even go a day without weeping over how much I am unworthy.

Unworthy of His grace, love, forgiveness.

Because of the things that I've done.

The way that I've hurt people.

I can't STAND it that He would even be able to look upon someone like me.

And IN LOVE, no less.

But even more so than showing me the weight of my sin.

The ways I have hurt people.

The damage that I have done.

He is showing me the DEPTH of His heart.

The WEIGHT of His grace.

The CONSISTENCY of His love.

And it never. ends.

It never fails!

And it never gives up on me.

I may be living in freedom.

Walking in truth.

Asking the Lord that every cell in my body would rely on Him, and Him alone.

But that doesn't mean there aren't still struggles.

Bridges to rebuild.

Friendships to reconcile.

Forgiveness to ask.

All that I can do is rest in His provincial grace.

That He IS enough.

And that He IS restorer.

And will restore all things.

Whether in this life, or the next.

I just keep returning to Romans 5.

OVER and OVER again.

And praising God. Falling at His feet. Weeping in joy....

That the gift is not. like. the trespass.

And that where sin increased.....

GRACE increased all the more.

Praise the Lord that His grace covers me.

And covers my sin!

I will weep in repentance.

And my mourning will again turn to joy.

Forever His,

Rach

Let me see darkness, so that I may see light

This was my prayer this week.

Lord,

Show me the darkness, so that I may see the light.

That I may appreciate the light.

That I may learn to love the light, all over again.

So show me the darkness....whatever that means.

......and let me tell you.....

He showed me.

He really did.....

And praise Jesus!

Because lately, I've been very numb to my sin.

Unaware of the gravity of it.

Forgetful of the gravity of its consequences.

My "norm" of what was "ok" or of what sins "didn't really count" was changing.

They were being stretched.

Pulled.

Manipulated.

To the point that I was justifying my sin.

Rationalizing with myself.

Making myself feel better.

Even when I KNEW I was wrong.

I knew it.

I know it.

I've always known it.

The ways that I sin.

The things that I struggle with.

I KNOW they are wrong.

And yet I do them anyway.

And I have been telling myself for so long that they are "not a big deal",

that it got to a point where I really believed that they WEREN'T a big deal.

If I didn't think they were a big deal and they were only hurting ME,

than maybe Jesus didn't think they were that big of a deal either.

And maybe, just maybe, He was ok with it for now....

How did I even get on this trail of believing that?

And on top of my numbness and inability to see the weight of my sin,

I was still believing I wasn't worth fighting for....

I knew I had to fight.

I knew that was the only way satan couldn't continue to control me.

The only way my sin wouldn't play me for the victim.

The only way I could fully surrender.

I still had to fight.

But it is SO hard to fight for something that you don't believe is worth fighting for.

That's why I wasn't fighting.

I could fight for every other person on this planet that I dearly care for.

But not me....

because I'm not worth it.

The Lord is slowly changing this way of thinking.

My twisted way of thinking.

Feeling like my thoughts, in order for them to leave, must ALWAYS turn into action.

Every action has a reaction right?

So I think a lie...

Believe a lie...

Now I MUST act on this lie....

Or it will NEVER GO AWAY.

It was my only way to quite my thoughts.

But at the same time, I was quenching the Holy Spirit.

Telling Him to shut up.

Because I'VE got it.

I don't want to fight.

That has been my reality.

It is so much easier to decide to completely disobey.

Then to want so badly to obey......but then disobey anyway.

And the guilt and shame that comes with it!

But I know that I wasn't made for guilt.

OR for shame.

And so I will fight.

Till my very. last. breath.

Satan is literally at the end of his rope.

Struggling to find new ways to seduce me.

New ways to lead me astray.

Because he KNOWS how close to victory that I am.

That I can literally TASTE freedom.

It is so near!

And that I have already walked in it once......

Just wait till I walk in it again.

I'm never. going. back.

And honestly, I think the biggest struggle in all of this

is my INABILITY to feel the love of Jesus.

Being so near to Him right now.

Hearing from Him.

Learning new truths.

Having a DEEP relationship with Him.

And yet STILL struggling.

And unable to feel His satisfying love.

THAT has been my biggest struggle.

It's like being with your best friend.

You guys know the depths of each others hearts.

You hear them.

You know them.

And you KNOW that they love you.

But right now, you don't FEEL like they love you.

That is how I feel with the Lord.

And the Lord has just been showing me SO much

in His Word

in visions

in the things He says to me when He speaks

of how dearly loved I am.

I just think He is trying to instill patience in me right now.

There are so many lies woven into the fabric of my heart.

He is just going to take THAT much longer and with THAT much more care

to weave new TRUTHS into the fabric of my heart.

So many truths, that there won't even be one more thread of a lie left.

Praise the Lord that He is continually making all things new.

He is turning my darkness into light!!!!

Forever His,

Rach

How beautiful are the feet that bring good news......but are those MY feet?

Jesus kind of scared me silly today. I asked Him for what His heart was for me for the future....what His plans were for me.....where He wanted me to go. And what He told me, really scared the $h!t out of me. I'm not gonna lie.

I was sitting there, on my knees, praying that Jesus would reveal Himself to me.

Speak LIFE into me.

And that's when He told me this simple truth.

Something I know, and I've heard before.

But something I take for granted.

That it is ON MY KNEES,

where I begin to heal.

where I begin to hear.

where I am able to fight.

where the victory is won.

where there is nothing left of me, but EVERYthing left of Him.

And.....

it is where He equips me.

Then, that led to the realization that He was actually equipping me for SOMETHING.

And then I started getting scared.

He started saying...

"How beautiful are the feet that bring good news!"

.....And was like:

"But Lord, are those MY feet?!?!?!"

I said Him....

"Who am I but a child?! I do not know how to speak or where to even BEGIN if I am called to missions! What then shall I do?"

And this is what He said....

"Rachel, you must go EVERYWHERE and to EVERYONE that I send you and say WHATEVER I command you to!"

DANG IT.

.....That was literally my reply.

That....and What the heck!?

But I am afraid. I do not know what to say, or how to speak.

I am afraid of rejection.

I am afraid of persecution.

I am afraid that what You ask of me will be too great for me to bear.

I feel that this fear comes from my doubt.

I feel that You will draw me out into the waters and then leave me there to drown.

To be hurt.

To be embarrassed.

"BUT do. not. be. AFRAID of them,

for I am with you, and I will rescue you," declares the Lord!

He said....

"I MUST equip you before you go, daughter.

So STAY on your knees.

And I will prepare the way.

I will ready your heart.

So do not fear. For I have CALLED YOU BY NAME.

You. are Mine."

Stinkin scares me to the core.

But if He wants to use this broken vessel for His will,

If He wants to use me in ways that I can not use myself,

Then GLORY be to God.

For He has been glorified in my life.

So until He calls,

I will remain on my knees.

Wondering if THESE feet, will be bringing good news to the distant end of the earth....

Forever His,

Rach

Surrendering does not equate suffering.

I think that for a long time, I equated surrendering with suffering. That if I wasn't suffering, then I wasn't fully surrendering to the Lord. Like I had to be struggling with SOMETHING in order for me to prove that I needed God. And that I wanted to surrender. Ok so in order for me to surrender....I must suffer? Wait...WHAT?

Ya. Doesn't really make sense right?

Why do we as Christians feel that if we are not suffering, not walking through the pit, not struggling with our sin.....that we are not fully depending on the Lord.

That if we feel even an ounce of freedom, that we are now being self-reliant.

And therefore now surrendering to self, instead of to the Lord.

When did that EVER become reality?

When did that EVER become truth?

I do NOT have to be suffering for me to be fully surrendered, fully dependent on the Lord.

In fact.....I can be walking in the most truest walks of freedom and still be surrendered to the Lord.

Actually, the fact that walking in freedom means that I must COMPLETELY rely on the Lord FOR that freedom is enough to say that there is no way that I could do it without the Lord.

So I am being even MORE reliant on the Lord as I am walking in freedom.

Because the road to freedom is a very narrow one, and the second I let go of His hand, I am done for.

So WHYYYYYY do we think that we must be struggling in order to be dependent on the Lord.

Or WHYYYYY do we think we must be struggling in order to be refined.

We may be being refined even MORE so when we are not struggling. Because it is then that the Lord is working on our roots. Making us stronger from the ground up. So that when that storm of life comes again.......we will not be shaken.

So praise the Lord that I don't have to suffer to be close to Him.

Praise the Lord that I don't have to be struggling to be learning from Him.

I will choose to believe that walking in freedom will reap JUST as many benefits.

That walking in freedom will, in turn, lead to walking in infinite truth.

Surrendering does not equate suffering.

But Freedom does equate surrender.

Forever His,

Rach

Sorry I'm not sorry.

I wrote this in my journal a while ago, but it is seriously rocked my world tonight as a cried before the Lord for Him to punish me of my sins and to stop loving me so much. Then I read this....

Even when you are at your dirtiest...

and you have no desire to be clean...

and you feel like there is no way any kind of grace could cover you...

the Lord does something crazy.......

He makes you clean ANYWAYS.

He says, "Sorry, my daughter, but it's already been done!"

WE CAN'T EVEN RESIST IT!

Even if we try.

He is simply irresistible!

(No pun intended.)

And His grace is always enough.

Even when I'm ignorant and stubborn.

Even when I'm prideful.

Even when I promise Him my whole heart, my whole devotion, and yet continuously give myself away to fleeting lovers of the flesh.

EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT HIM TO CLEAN ME.

He simply looks at me with tender love in His eyes and says 3. simple. words.

IT IS FINISHED.

And my friend,

IT. IS.

Forever His,

Rach

To FEEL or not to feel

WORTH. It is talked about a LOT in the Christian church. Where do you find your worth, is your identity in Christ, etc. etc. etc. And I understand that in order to FEEL truly worthy, we need to place our full identity Christ. To KNOW who Heeeee says we are, and that is IT. But what if we still don't FEEL worthy? What if we KNOW it in our heads, but do not KNOW it in our hearts. What do we do then? What happens next.....

To place our identity in Christ is a big enough step as it is.

You are LITERALLYYYYY taking a leap of faith.

Finding your worth in Someone that you aren't even sure of sometimes.

That you may have your doubts about.

Or maybe you don't!

Maybe you are super confident that He will always come through.

But still.

You are giving your worth to someone else to hold onto, instead of trying to foster it yourselves.

BIG frickin deal.

SO.

This is how the whole thing should essentially work out.....

You feel worthless.

Christ comes in and steals your heart.

You are His.

He tells you that you are worthy in His sight.

You KNOW you are worthy.

You FEEL worthy.

You live as if you are the most worthy flippin thing on the planet.

(But still remaining humble about your worth....don't go all Kanye proud on me now.)

........Happily. ever. after.

But what if you don't get to that second to last step. (Or maybe it's third to last....regardless...)

The part about you now FEELING worthy.

You KNOW it in your head.

But maybe that doesn't translate to your heart......

Feelings come and go right?

So how do we let our HEAD dictate the way we feel about ourselves?

Like letting the fact that we KNOW we are worthy make us live as if we truly were....even if we don't feel like we are.

I just don't really know how you can make yourself FEEL someway that you really aren't.

Especially when you KNOW it.

You KNOW the frickin truth.

You just may not quite believe it.....

I don't just want to KNOW I'm worthy.

I want to FEEL worthy.

"You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God." Isaiah 62:3

He calls me precious.

I believe it.

Now help me to FEEL it.

Forever His,

Rachel

Overwhelmed and Overjoyed.

For a while I have kept myself from writing, because I haven't felt inspired, or better yet, I have had too much stuff on my mind to even begin to process my thoughts. And honestly, I don't have anything super profound that I am going to say to you or anything super interesting that I am going to take apart piece by piece. I'm just speakin truth in love right now. And it's all comin straight from my heart.

I have been so overwhelmed the last few months.

For the first time in my life, I get it.

I get what it means to be in the presence of the living God.

I understand what He means when He says that in His presence, there is fullness of joy.....

I've experienced it!

I have seen His face, and He is lovely.

I have heard His voice, and it is pure.

And as He has revealed Himself to me in immense ways the past few months,

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with freedom, passion, knowledge, and JOY.

Overwhelmed with this new desire, this new CRAVING for the Word.

And for the first time in my life an utter ravishing for PRAYER.

I hated prayer.

HATED it.

Why would I want to come before God anyway?

I had nothing to say.

Nothing to offer.

Nothing to ask for.

But mainly, I didn't trust Him with my prayers.

And how can you really be fervent in prayer when you don't even really believe what you are SAYING!

I felt abandoned.

Unloved.

And just hurt.

And it is still a healing process.

I still hold onto this lie that somehow the Lord abandoned me when I needed Him most.

WHY do I believe it?

I know it's not true.

So why do I cling to it?

He says in John 14 that He will "NEVER abandon us as orphans".

He's never abandoned me!

And at the beginning of John 14 He tells me to TRUST Him.

John 14 was basically written for me.

haha

But I can't just believe it with my head.

I want to believe it with my HEART.

I want it to SATURATE to the very core of my being.

I want my relationship with Jesus to not be based on some "feeling".

I want my relationship to be grounded in TRUTH.

And in that truth, that there would be all the fruits that come with it.

Like love, joy, peace, patience, etc.

I WANT IT ALL!

And I know that it is a process and that I am working out my salvation DAILY,

but I just want to fall at the feet of my King and anoint His feet with my tears every. single. day.

I want to be so dependent on Him,

that all I hear is His voice and NOTHING else.

I am so filled with joy, because I know that He who has started this good work in me is going to finish it until completion!

I need to stop whining about my unbelief and just TRUST Him.

BELIEVE Him.

KNOW His voice and FOLLOW.

It's so simple.

The story of the gospel is SO SIMPLE.

Trust, Believe, Obey, Follow.

LOVE.

Gosh.

Jesus, fill me with an immeasurable amount of faith in You.

That the things You say You can and WILL do through me,

you will DO them!

That You ALWAYS show up.

Not just sometimes,

or when I have an extra special amount of faith.

BUT EVERY TIME.

Help me to receive Your spirit every second of every day.

That I would always want more.

And be satisfied in all that You are.

Press into my heart more and more.

Know my ways.

Give in me peace.

Help me to trust.

I want to be obedient to You and You alone.

I am so unworthy, but You make me worthy.

And so I will boast all the more in my weaknesses, because it is when I am weak,

THEN I am strong.

Because You make me strong.

I am overwhelmed.

But in Your presence,

I am overjoyed.

You are my joy.

Forever His,

Rachel