I HATE self-righteous people.
Correction: I hate the self-righteousness, not the people.
But still.
I hate it.
But what I think I hate more is the fact that I can see the self-righteousness in them because I am CONSUMED with it.
For four years I struggled with the same thing.
I am not good enough.
I am not pretty enough.
I am going to fix this.
Let me go throw up a hot dog.
Ok.
I know that's pretty bold.
But it's the truth.
That Rachel is gone now.
Completely gone.
Healed.
New.
Thank you Jesus.
BUT.
I was used to that struggle for so long, that now that it's gone, I feel like I am a good person.
You know?
Like sometimes I look at myself and I'm like
"Damn girl. Other than the fact you just said a bad word in your head and now you've posted it on your blog, you are a pretty good person.
Go to church.
Go to Wesley.
Keep up with your grades.
Exercise and eat right.
Are nice to others.
Love Jesus.
Yup. You've got it all.
Just keep it up.
It's all smooth sailin from here."
WHAT THE WHAT is that?
No.
Not ok.
No.
NOT OK.
I was actually walking to class today and thinkin of how much I've got it together and how I can't find anything wrong with myself right now.
And then I proceeded to tell myself...
"You are big fat liar. Continuously deceiving yourself and being deceived. I AM A DECEIVER.
Thinking that I've got it all together. Geez. I might as well be Oprah now and give away like 5 whales. 'You get a whale. You get a whale. You get a whale. Every. body. gets. humpbacked whales!!!' (Yes. I just quoted Dane Cook.) But I was honestly ashamed of myself. Talk about a self-righteous bitch who tutors kids after school because she thinks the kid should be honored to have her as a tutor for even just a little while. If I keep having this Oprah mentality, that could be ME!"
Ugh.
I was just so frickin disgusted with myself.
YES.
I know that I am a bad person.
YES.
I know I need Jesus.
But when you get to a point in your life when you're like "Dang, I'm really not that bad.",
YOU, sir, are self-righteous.
Selfy self, selfishly selful, self-righteous.
Go feed the poor or something.
Seriously.
Gosh.
I need Jesus.
BAD.
I need 'im BAD.
Save me. I'm lost. Keep me from bein confused. Show me what I'm lookin for.
(I don't even know what song that is or who sings it, but it's catchy. AND it's relevant.
So DEAL.)
Forever His,
Rachel
