Lord,
Show me the darkness, so that I may see the light.
That I may appreciate the light.
That I may learn to love the light, all over again.
So show me the darkness....whatever that means.
......and let me tell you.....
He showed me.
He really did.....
And praise Jesus!
Because lately, I've been very numb to my sin.
Unaware of the gravity of it.
Forgetful of the gravity of its consequences.
My "norm" of what was "ok" or of what sins "didn't really count" was changing.
They were being stretched.
Pulled.
Manipulated.
To the point that I was justifying my sin.
Rationalizing with myself.
Making myself feel better.
Even when I KNEW I was wrong.
I knew it.
I know it.
I've always known it.
The ways that I sin.
The things that I struggle with.
I KNOW they are wrong.
And yet I do them anyway.
And I have been telling myself for so long that they are "not a big deal",
that it got to a point where I really believed that they WEREN'T a big deal.
If I didn't think they were a big deal and they were only hurting ME,
than maybe Jesus didn't think they were that big of a deal either.
And maybe, just maybe, He was ok with it for now....
How did I even get on this trail of believing that?
And on top of my numbness and inability to see the weight of my sin,
I was still believing I wasn't worth fighting for....
I knew I had to fight.
I knew that was the only way satan couldn't continue to control me.
The only way my sin wouldn't play me for the victim.
The only way I could fully surrender.
I still had to fight.
But it is SO hard to fight for something that you don't believe is worth fighting for.
That's why I wasn't fighting.
I could fight for every other person on this planet that I dearly care for.
But not me....
because I'm not worth it.
The Lord is slowly changing this way of thinking.
My twisted way of thinking.
Feeling like my thoughts, in order for them to leave, must ALWAYS turn into action.
Every action has a reaction right?
So I think a lie...
Believe a lie...
Now I MUST act on this lie....
Or it will NEVER GO AWAY.
It was my only way to quite my thoughts.
But at the same time, I was quenching the Holy Spirit.
Telling Him to shut up.
Because I'VE got it.
I don't want to fight.
That has been my reality.
It is so much easier to decide to completely disobey.
Then to want so badly to obey......but then disobey anyway.
And the guilt and shame that comes with it!
But I know that I wasn't made for guilt.
OR for shame.
And so I will fight.
Till my very. last. breath.
Satan is literally at the end of his rope.
Struggling to find new ways to seduce me.
New ways to lead me astray.
Because he KNOWS how close to victory that I am.
That I can literally TASTE freedom.
It is so near!
And that I have already walked in it once......
Just wait till I walk in it again.
I'm never. going. back.
And honestly, I think the biggest struggle in all of this
is my INABILITY to feel the love of Jesus.
Being so near to Him right now.
Hearing from Him.
Learning new truths.
Having a DEEP relationship with Him.
And yet STILL struggling.
And unable to feel His satisfying love.
THAT has been my biggest struggle.
It's like being with your best friend.
You guys know the depths of each others hearts.
You hear them.
You know them.
And you KNOW that they love you.
But right now, you don't FEEL like they love you.
That is how I feel with the Lord.
And the Lord has just been showing me SO much
in His Word
in visions
in the things He says to me when He speaks
of how dearly loved I am.
I just think He is trying to instill patience in me right now.
There are so many lies woven into the fabric of my heart.
He is just going to take THAT much longer and with THAT much more care
to weave new TRUTHS into the fabric of my heart.
So many truths, that there won't even be one more thread of a lie left.
Praise the Lord that He is continually making all things new.
He is turning my darkness into light!!!!
Forever His,
Rach
