Why I love being single....for all the wrong reasons.

I had to take a deep breath before I began to write this one.

Truly, it has been a long time since I've written,
And honestly, I'm not even really sure if I'm still good at it.

But that's not why I had to take a deep breath.


I had to take a deep breath because
I'm scared of my own heart.

I'm scared that by writing these words, I'm admitting to something that I don't want to believe to be true.


But I'm gonna do it nonetheless.

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I've been single my whole life. (or just about)

I "technically" had two boyfriends.
But we are talking technicalities here.

The first set an example for how I would be for the rest of my life:
Scared of commitment,
and scared of being dependent on someone other than myself.

You see, it was 9th grade.

I was no longer as awkward as I was in 8th grade, and I appreciated the attention of this cute  boy.

So naturally, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I immediately said YES!

Hallelujah! Someone wanted me! Liked me! Wanted to be with me!


But then, my mind began to turn. Did I really want this commitment?
This kid is already asking me to hang out this weekend. What if I have plans?

Yikes.

So I ran.


As soon as it began, it ended.

We started dating on a Friday, and broke up on a Monday:


I was one horrible person.


Now in hindsight, it was good things didn't go anywhere.


But I wanted to be single, and for all the wrong reasons.

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The next boy I dated was my junior year of high school.


It lasted two months.....and it should have only lasted one.


I was afraid of hurting him,
so I held  out.


Hoping that something in my heart would change.
Or maybe I was hoping that he would change?

Either way, it was wrong.


And so, I ended it.


Again, for all the wrong reasons.


"I don't like how I get frustrated when he does this."

or

"He's just too immature for me. I can't handle it."

Do you see how both of these statements are about ME?


I just couldn't handle the heat of dating someone that was different than me in some way.
Or did something that I didn't like.

Wow. How selfish am I?!?

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Then came college.


And it felt like that as soon as it started, it had ended.


God worked a LOT on my heart in college.


I am thankful for the time I was single.
SO thankful.


But as the years went by, I began to tell myself that I LOVED being single.
That I had just idolized marriage and now I was free.

I told myself that I was content.
And for a while, I truly believe that I was!


But my contentment turned to selfishness.

And that selfishness turned to bitterness.


How BITTER I have been in my heart towards God.

For keeping me single all these years.


So I rebelled.

I rebelled HARD.


God didn't care about my desires.


So I was gonna do what I wanted. And I did.


Started kissing boys. I was almost 25 and never been kissed.
So THAT was gonna change!


Wow. How God has used this last year to show me a lot about the ugliness of my heart.


I am asking Him to turn this heart of stone to flesh once again.

And He is doing it!

Every day is a new day. But He is doing it.


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So as I was driving in the car home today,
I realized that I love being single for all the wrong reasons.



This last year of my life consisted mainly of rebellion.


And I think a lot of that is because I am bitter over being single.


But then, the thought of dating someone scares the CRAP out of me!
(Not literally though, it's not like I have IBS or something from dating anxiety, but you never know...)


So here I am at a crossroads.


But I know that God is the only one who can change my heart.


So I encourage you, if you are single, do you love singleness for these following reasons as well?
Because if you do, you may also need some Jesus to help turn that heart of stone to a heart of flesh....

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---> I like being single because I like being independent.

I do NOT like answering to someone. And THAT is sin.
That is a rebellion in my own heart.
God calls us to abide in Him.
"He is the vine, we are the branches." (John 15:5)

He says that apart from Him, we can do NOTHING.

So do you really think I'm glorifying God when I am idolizing independence?

Ummmm, let me think....

NO.

---> I like being single because I'm afraid of commitment.

I am deathly afraid of making the WRONG choice.
Guys, we make choices every. single. day.

But it is the idea of making one that affect the rest of my life.
THAT scares me.

And before you go into that whole "dating can be casual and it doesn't mean your getting married thing"....I get that.

But I'm 25.

And I'm not dating for fun anymore.
(Like I ever did in the beginning anyways, ha)

But you get my point.


God calls us to trust Him.
He COMMANDS us to trust Him with all our hearts. (Proverbs 3:5)

I am not doing that when I am afraid of commitment.


---> I like being single because I'm selfish.

Guys, this is the worst part.

I like being single because I am flat out selfish.


"I don't know how I would be in a relationship"...

BULLCRAP.

I do. And that's why I'm so scared.


Being selfless. Putting someone else first.

These things scare me so much.


And it's because I'm selfish.


What if I'll have to sacrifice my own time for the one that I love?


And you know what.....


I WANT to.



I really do.



I think this full blown realization is God's call on my heart.


He is preparing the way.


He always prepares us, equips us for a new season.


He is ALWAYS doing it.


And I know that marriage won't fulfill me.


And I know that dating won't cure the selfishness in my heart, only God can do that.



But I'm ready.


And I'm willing.


God, help us all to have our eyes open to the things that we idolize.

Let us not be deceived by our own hearts.


Intercede for us.



I am thankful that I am restless in singleness.
It means that I'm growing.


I just ask God that He would keep my heart content.



In the watching, in the waiting,
He is making melodies over me.


So I will wait. Patiently.


Will you wait with me?


Forever His,
Rach