Body. Blood. Sweat. Tears.

||| It's never been about the body, it has ALWAYS been about the blood. |||


Tonight I went on a night run.


I needed to free myself from the weight of my own self pity,
my deafening self righteousness,


that was cluttering my mind, and stifling my spirit.


And I found myself playing a game….


Could I run the last mile with looking at nothing but the green and red, orange and white lights in front of me?


Orange hand, caution; blink blink 3, 2, 1; white man, cross.



And I found myself trying to tune everything else out.
The steps I was taking in front of me,
the people on the street around me,
even the cars flying by next to me.


I tried to study every finger on the bright orange hand in front of me,
as the dark closed in around me,
until all I could see were the street lights.


And I remembered something.



How distracted I am every, single, day.



I wake up in the morning and all I can think is…

pee, coffee, face, hair, breakfast, clothes, work….
home, dinner, bed, sleep.

In that same damn order.


And every once in a while fun gets to replace work….
But even then.


Where is my Jesus?


Where have I put Him once again?

I haven't misplaced Him have I?


I sworeeeee I put Him rightttt here….
Damnit.
Those are my shoes.


Maybe here….
Shit.
That's my bank account.


Perhaps over in this area….
F$&@.
That's everything else that I care about and place before Jesus.


MY Jesus.


The LOVER, protector, and saver of my soul.


And I misplaced Him again like I would a shitty toothbrush.


It's on runs like these that I remember how stinkin hard it is to focus on Jesus.
To run the straight and narrow.


If only one is gonna get the prize,
then I better stop freakin stopping for dipped cones at Dairy Queen,
or this girl's gonna LOSE.


And as I finished up my run, Jesus reminded me that it is NOT about the body.
That my life and everything in it is worth nothing.
NOTHING.

Like Paul says…
"I count it all as rubbish",
literally meaning….
"I count all this other shit to be like menstrual blood"….loose translation…
for the sake of knowing Jesus.


So, it isn't, in fact, about the body at all.

It is, in fact, and always HAS been, about the blood.

Because it is by His sacrificial, redeeming blood,
that I am able to sacrifice my life, my longings, and my distractions,
and lay them down at the feet of Jesus.

Counting them all as nothing.


For the sake of knowing Him.
<--- loose="" p="" translation="">



So as I came upon my last intersection,

my phone died, music stopped, and I took just a brief moment to listen.


And He spoke those words into my heart.



I've been holding onto a lot lately.


Praying that in every step,
I pay attention to the details in the fingers on the orange hand of grace,
that is blinking right in front of me,
forgetting everything else around me,
knowing that if I fall,
the light of grace will still be blinking,
and the road will still be there, waiting for me to take my next step.


I may end up face planting every once in a while,
but then again….

If I don't get any battle scars running this race,
What will I have to show for when I claim my prize?


Jesus got some scars.


I think it's cool if I do too.


Forever His,
Rach

My name's Rachel. And I'm an addict.

Sometimes, I feel like Neo.

That this world is the matrix, and that if I concentrate hard enough, that I can see the real world through glitches in time. Those little windows where time itself stands still and I imagine a world without pain, without malice, without hopelessness, without fear. A world full of perfect Love and perfect justice. The marriage of spirit and truth. Where grace meets us with the warmest of kisses and never leaves our side, not even for a moment. THAT is the world I get glimpses of.

But then, I am brought back to the matrix. And I wish I hadn't taken the red pill. Now, I know the truth. And my heart never rests, until I am granted that next glimpse of the real world, Eternity, if you will. And I am once again reminded of the world to come, where I am no longer consumed by my selfishness, lust, pride, flesh.


I AM FREEEEEE.


And I am PERFECT.




----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Now….

I think we spend our whole lives trying to hide BEHIND our past.

Or, hide FROM it.


We all have dirt. You have dirt. I have dirt.

And it never really leaves us. It is just kind of always there. Haunting our thoughts, reminding us of the dirt and scum that we are. Or maybe that's just Satan…..but either way. It is crippling. It CRIPPLES us. Leaves us feeling hopeless, unworthy, and alone.

Even after we are freed from our sin, it somehow follows us.


Like an old blanket that we can't get rid of, because we are too attached.
(Linus would be proud.)


But Jesus calls us higher.
And He calls us deeper.


And that is the ONLY place where my sin, my past has to back the f%$# off.


Is at the feet of JESUS.


And it is there that I feel truly renewed.



But then, I am distracted again. Life catches up with me. And my past and my sin come back to haunt me. And the cycle starts over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am an addict."


^^^^^^^^^That is the lie that I believe daily.



Growing up, I had a lot of self esteem issues.


I was always slightly larger than my sisters and that bothered me.


When I turned 15, I started starving myself to get thin bc I was so unhappy.


Losing a bunch of weight made me very happy.




I was addicted.



Then, I started playing sports and not eating wasn't working, so I started making myself throw up.


And at 16, I had started an addiction that would last me 7 years.

I LIKED the feeling of power that came from throwing up.


I was in control of my body……but that was the f#$%ing irony though…..I was totally out of control.



And I could sit here and tell you how much I learned during those 7-8 years of my life, but I won't.




All you need to know is that God healed me.

END OF STORY.

Bye Felicia.



But my past follows me around like a shadow, or perhaps, sometimes I just hide behind it.


But either way, it isn't something that I share often. Partly, because I still struggle daily with wanting to feel accepted, loved.

I put up so many walls (like trying to come off as a badass) because I don't want people to see the real me. The tenderness of my heart, and the weightiness of my sin.


We all wear masks to some extent.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now my thing is drinking.


Sometimes, I feel like I'm an alcoholic.

No……MOST times, I feel like I'm an alcoholic.



Like…

When I'm sad, I want to drink.
When I'm mad, I want to drink.
When I'm happy, I want to drink.
When I'm bored, I want to drink.


Now, I know, I am NOT an actual alcoholic.

(I'm a nurse, I KNOW these sorts of things. Don't worry about it…..)



But, the enemy creeps in and shows me a transcript of my track record and says,
"Hey, you are an alcoholic. You can't live without it. You are an addict. That's what addicts do."


And I let the term "addict" define me.


And once again, I am stuck at a crossroads where my past, present, and future meet.


Who have I been.
Who am I now BEING.
And who am I going to be.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


And once again, I feel like Neo.


Stuck in the matrix.


My true self wasn't meant to have to struggle this much.
To feel SOOO enslaved by sin.


I am grateful for a Heavenly Dad who loved me so much that He would exchange my sin for His righteousness. His perfect life.

That's why they call it scandalous grace.



And I am forever thankful.




And right now, I just want you to know….


That if you feel lost tonight, stuck tomorrow, no place to go the next…


That there is HOPE for you.



And His name is Jesus.



He has healed me from my past addictions, and He will continue to free me from my future ones.





"I will run in the path of Your commands, because You set my heart free." Psalm 119:32




So I sit here tonight, 2nd drink in hand.


And I feel FREE.



Because HE ALONE, holds the keys to the real world.



HE ALONE can save me from this matrix.
MY matrix.










He is my Neo.



And He is THE ONE.



Forever His,
Rach