My name's Rachel. And I'm an addict.

Sometimes, I feel like Neo.

That this world is the matrix, and that if I concentrate hard enough, that I can see the real world through glitches in time. Those little windows where time itself stands still and I imagine a world without pain, without malice, without hopelessness, without fear. A world full of perfect Love and perfect justice. The marriage of spirit and truth. Where grace meets us with the warmest of kisses and never leaves our side, not even for a moment. THAT is the world I get glimpses of.

But then, I am brought back to the matrix. And I wish I hadn't taken the red pill. Now, I know the truth. And my heart never rests, until I am granted that next glimpse of the real world, Eternity, if you will. And I am once again reminded of the world to come, where I am no longer consumed by my selfishness, lust, pride, flesh.


I AM FREEEEEE.


And I am PERFECT.




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Now….

I think we spend our whole lives trying to hide BEHIND our past.

Or, hide FROM it.


We all have dirt. You have dirt. I have dirt.

And it never really leaves us. It is just kind of always there. Haunting our thoughts, reminding us of the dirt and scum that we are. Or maybe that's just Satan…..but either way. It is crippling. It CRIPPLES us. Leaves us feeling hopeless, unworthy, and alone.

Even after we are freed from our sin, it somehow follows us.


Like an old blanket that we can't get rid of, because we are too attached.
(Linus would be proud.)


But Jesus calls us higher.
And He calls us deeper.


And that is the ONLY place where my sin, my past has to back the f%$# off.


Is at the feet of JESUS.


And it is there that I feel truly renewed.



But then, I am distracted again. Life catches up with me. And my past and my sin come back to haunt me. And the cycle starts over.

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"I am an addict."


^^^^^^^^^That is the lie that I believe daily.



Growing up, I had a lot of self esteem issues.


I was always slightly larger than my sisters and that bothered me.


When I turned 15, I started starving myself to get thin bc I was so unhappy.


Losing a bunch of weight made me very happy.




I was addicted.



Then, I started playing sports and not eating wasn't working, so I started making myself throw up.


And at 16, I had started an addiction that would last me 7 years.

I LIKED the feeling of power that came from throwing up.


I was in control of my body……but that was the f#$%ing irony though…..I was totally out of control.



And I could sit here and tell you how much I learned during those 7-8 years of my life, but I won't.




All you need to know is that God healed me.

END OF STORY.

Bye Felicia.



But my past follows me around like a shadow, or perhaps, sometimes I just hide behind it.


But either way, it isn't something that I share often. Partly, because I still struggle daily with wanting to feel accepted, loved.

I put up so many walls (like trying to come off as a badass) because I don't want people to see the real me. The tenderness of my heart, and the weightiness of my sin.


We all wear masks to some extent.

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And now my thing is drinking.


Sometimes, I feel like I'm an alcoholic.

No……MOST times, I feel like I'm an alcoholic.



Like…

When I'm sad, I want to drink.
When I'm mad, I want to drink.
When I'm happy, I want to drink.
When I'm bored, I want to drink.


Now, I know, I am NOT an actual alcoholic.

(I'm a nurse, I KNOW these sorts of things. Don't worry about it…..)



But, the enemy creeps in and shows me a transcript of my track record and says,
"Hey, you are an alcoholic. You can't live without it. You are an addict. That's what addicts do."


And I let the term "addict" define me.


And once again, I am stuck at a crossroads where my past, present, and future meet.


Who have I been.
Who am I now BEING.
And who am I going to be.

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And once again, I feel like Neo.


Stuck in the matrix.


My true self wasn't meant to have to struggle this much.
To feel SOOO enslaved by sin.


I am grateful for a Heavenly Dad who loved me so much that He would exchange my sin for His righteousness. His perfect life.

That's why they call it scandalous grace.



And I am forever thankful.




And right now, I just want you to know….


That if you feel lost tonight, stuck tomorrow, no place to go the next…


That there is HOPE for you.



And His name is Jesus.



He has healed me from my past addictions, and He will continue to free me from my future ones.





"I will run in the path of Your commands, because You set my heart free." Psalm 119:32




So I sit here tonight, 2nd drink in hand.


And I feel FREE.



Because HE ALONE, holds the keys to the real world.



HE ALONE can save me from this matrix.
MY matrix.










He is my Neo.



And He is THE ONE.



Forever His,
Rach