The Gift is NOT. LIKE. THE TRESPASS

As I sit here, sobbing uncontrollably, tears hitting the keyboard......I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by my sin.

Overwhelmed by what I have done.

Who I have hurt.

What has come of my sin.

I am unable to contain my sorrow.

I have messed up.

I have sinned against God, and I have sinned against the ones I love.

PULLING them down with every hurt and every struggle.

Allowing them to bare my burdens.

But even more so, unaware of how much that actually was.

I don't even know where to go from here.

I am free. Because He has set me free.

But that does not mean there weren't consequences.

I have hurt so. many. people. in my life.

LIED to so many.

And done so much damage to my friendships. To my family.

ALLOWED them to shed tears for me.

But even worse, often times was so numb to it, that I didn't. even. care.

So selfish.

So vain.

So hateful.

Where do I even go from here.

Allowed relationships to crumble.

Ignored those who I care about.

Where do I go from here.

I asked the Lord, in the midst of my suffering, to SHOW me the weight of my sin.

The gravity of it.

The depth of it.

And I thought that He had.

That He had already done that in the midst of my struggle.

But even more so, He is showing me NOW.

I can not even go a day without weeping over how much I am unworthy.

Unworthy of His grace, love, forgiveness.

Because of the things that I've done.

The way that I've hurt people.

I can't STAND it that He would even be able to look upon someone like me.

And IN LOVE, no less.

But even more so than showing me the weight of my sin.

The ways I have hurt people.

The damage that I have done.

He is showing me the DEPTH of His heart.

The WEIGHT of His grace.

The CONSISTENCY of His love.

And it never. ends.

It never fails!

And it never gives up on me.

I may be living in freedom.

Walking in truth.

Asking the Lord that every cell in my body would rely on Him, and Him alone.

But that doesn't mean there aren't still struggles.

Bridges to rebuild.

Friendships to reconcile.

Forgiveness to ask.

All that I can do is rest in His provincial grace.

That He IS enough.

And that He IS restorer.

And will restore all things.

Whether in this life, or the next.

I just keep returning to Romans 5.

OVER and OVER again.

And praising God. Falling at His feet. Weeping in joy....

That the gift is not. like. the trespass.

And that where sin increased.....

GRACE increased all the more.

Praise the Lord that His grace covers me.

And covers my sin!

I will weep in repentance.

And my mourning will again turn to joy.

Forever His,

Rach