RAW.

im in the mood to be real with you. to be stripped down to the very essence of my nature. to take my bleeding heart and hold it out for the world to see. to take the dirt of my past and the shame of my youth and share it with the world. im in the mood to be RAW.

i dont really know what compels one to share all.

to tell all.

to be read like an open book.

but i figure....

for so many years,

i lived a lie.

i manipulated.

and covered up.

and kept hidden.

and after so many years of it,

i just couldn't do it any more.

it was like i could see this light,

but it just kept getting farther and farther away.

not closer and closer like i wanted it to.

and you know i wonder,

did i do something wrong?

i thought there was shelter in the shadow of Your wings....

i thought that good will come to those who love You.....

i thought once You had me, You wouldn't let me go....

was i so naive?

to think that if i trusted the God of the universe, that He would keep me safe?

what did i do wrong.

why me.

why that.

why then.

and i guess i will never understand fully the weight of my sin.

i cannot even comprehend.

so much goes under my radar.

so much sin goes unnoticed.

but i know that even though i hated myself my entire childhood,

even though i have more selfishness than everyone in the world combined,

even though i hurt my body just to feel something,

even though i hurt those i love because i can,

even though i turned my back on God an incessant number of times,

even though i turned to food for satisfaction,

even though i turned to satisfaction to find worth,

even though i put myself as my top priority daily,

even though i have cursed God and hated Him and at times have thought it was better if i had never. even. been. born,

I KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME.

but He doesn't like the hard, stone-like, put together version of me.

He likes the soft, broken, messed up version of me that i absolutely HATE.

because it means im weak.

it means im broken.

it means im NOTHING.

and HE makes me something.

He takes the RAWNESS of my clay.

and turns it into a BEAUTIFUL masterpiece.

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her), and you land Beulah (married). As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your GOd rejoice over you." Isaiah 62:4

I am RAW.

He makes me new.

Forever His,

Rachel