Beautiful

I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I once told someone that this was the theme song to my life. This beautiful song by Bethany Dillon (no pun intended) has really pulled at my heart strings over the years. It is a song that I have ran back to over and over again because of the truth that lies behind it.

Every girl wants to be "beautiful". There is not a single girl in the world that wakes up one morning and thinks "I hope I look really unattractive today". 

I just don't think that happens.

Ever.

All girls were made to be beautiful. Some girls may be more physically beautiful than others, according to the world's standards, and some girls may be more inwardly beautiful than others.

It is just the way the Lord made us.

Individual and Unique.

The majority of the female population in the United States wishes they were a size smaller or a size larger than they are. 

No woman is fully satisfied with her appearance.

Approximately 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance.

And that's not all...

81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat.

TEN YEARS OLD 

and they are afraid of being fat.

It is just mind blowing to see that at 10 years old, a young girl can come to the conclusion that she is not beautiful enough just the way she is. 

She must do SOMEthing to make herself look as good as the girls portrayed in the media.

NEWSFLASH.

The majority of those girls are airbrushed and photoshopped and whatever, to look the way they do on the magazine cover.

Which is perfect and FAKE.

And despite the fact that I know this to be the truth and despite the fact that I can easily say this to some other girl struggling with her appearance,

it is so very hard for me to believe it.

I have always been a perfectionist as a child and would get upset if the littlest thing was out of order.

I guess it just comes with the First Child A-Type Personality Syndrome.

To go along with that, 

I always had two younger sisters who were always smaller than me and were always a lot more outgoing than me.

Yes.

I was a very shy child.

A Hermit, if you will.

I know it may be hard to believe,

but it's the truth.

Anyway, I was just always very insecure about myself and wanted to change.

And the summer after my sophmore year of high school,

I really did.

I thought I was actually really truly beautiful for the first time in my life.

I was actually satisfied with the way I looked and how I felt as a person!

Sure, I may have been a few sizes smaller, and sure, I may have gotten there by eating like a three year old, but hey. 

If it works it works. Right?

Wrong.

It didn't last.

And that just led into a downward spiral of the last four years of my life.

Trying to get back to that "happy" place.

Trying to get back to being thin again.

Trying to get back to being Beautiful.

So.

I was so unique.

And then I felt skin-deep.

Sometimes I do wish I was someone other than me.

And I did constantly try to make the mirror happy.

But I am DYING for new life.

And I want to be beautiful.

But I want to make HIM stand in awe.

And for Him to look inside of my HEART 

and be amazed.

And I want to hear Him say.

That who I AM is quite enough.

Because IN HIM is the only way,

He makes me WORTHY of Love and

Beautiful.

Forever His,

Rachel