True Confessions

Is it so silly to hope for perfection?

Is it so hopeless to wish for the best?

Well Yes.

And No.

Sure. We can Hope for perfection.

But sometimes we Expect it.

Sure. We can Wish for the best.

But sometimes wishes don't come true.

I have set expectations for myself over the last few years.

Sometimes, I meet those expectations.

Other times I don't.

And it's those "other" times that really get me.

It's one thing to meet your own standards.

But if you don't even live up to them,

how can you live with yourself?

Rephrase:

How can I live with myself?

Sometimes I wish I just didn't set expectations at all.

Then I could never fail them.

I would never raise the bar,

so it could never fall on top of me.

Oh how I hate being crushed.

Some people are resilient.

They fail and they fail and they fail.

And they try again.

Others such as myself,

fail and then fail and then fail.

And then suffocate to death.

We aren't very resilient.

We just get crushed in the process.

And it hurts.

It really really hurts.

No one wants to get crushed and then live to tell the tale.

All the tale would be about, would be failures.

Just failures.

So these are my true confessions.

These are the kind of things that make up my life.

I fail and I fail and I fail.

And then all I feel is 

Shame.

Guilt.

Worthlessness.

So who am I?

What am I even doing here?

Am I even worth Anything?

How much is my life worth?

How much do I COST?

And then it hit me.

I cost the death of a pure and blameless man.

I cost the torture of kind and loving friend.

I cost the pain of the one person who never leaves me.

I cost the blood of Jesus Christ.

And I will NOT let His death for me be in vain.

I will NOT let these feelings of failure constantly overwhelm me.

I will NOT be crushed by the pain I feel inside.

I will be Strong.

I will be Fearless.

And I will be Resilient.

Because my identity is not in my failures.

My identity is in Christ.

And I will Not Forget that.

Forever His,

Rachel