Letting Go....

There are a lot of things in my life that I am not proud of. Some more than others. For example, I am not proud of the fact that I have picked on my younger sisters for the majority of their lives. Or, the fact that I often push people away when they start to get close to me. Or, the fact that I have dealt with a disorder that has affected my spiritual walk with God and has hurt the people around me. All of these things compose only a small portion of the "things" that I wish I could just forget about. The "things" that although may be quite a realistic part of my life, I wish they were just a figment of my imagination.

But although I am not proud of these things, they make up a huge part of who I am. Who I am as a daughter. Who I am as a sister. Who I am as a friend. And regardless of the fact that they do not make up the proudest moments of my life, they do still make up a part of it whether I like it or not. They are a part of my story and a part of my testimony and a part of my life.

I have realized that the hard parts of your life never go away. Life never gets easier. 

Ever.

I had this fantasy that when I would go off to college, all the problems in my life would just disappear. To my dismay, quite the opposite happened.

I was involved in all of the college ministries, all the Bible studies, and all of the prayer nights. 

But a life full of Christian "stuff" and a life without God is really no life at all.

There were nights that I would come home from a great night of worship, praising the Lord, and after one wrong decision to give in, I was left in a pitfall of shame and guilt and worthlessness. I thought God had forgotten about me.

I was drenched in a spiral of spiritual alienation and self hatred because of the person I had become inside. Not the person that the world saw, but the real person inside. 

The one that no matter how hard I tried, Could Not hide from God.

I prayed all the time for other people and for a revival on the college campus, but I had just given up praying about my own hurts and bruises. 

I was Convinced that the Lord was doing miracles in everyone around me, but somehow He could not save me. I was TOO messed up and TOO worthless for Him to even begin working in me. How could He possibly handle a person like me?

Sure, He can save people from drug addictions and alcohol because that is the "normal" stuff to get saved from. But how could He save me from my sin and my addiction?

How could He possibly know how? Especially because it was MY fault and MY responsibility and MY failure. And I was too selfish to be saved.

I could handle it myself. 

The Lord didn't need to waste His time on me. 

He had better things to do.

So I just gave up on asking God for help. I got lost in the sin and shame and let it consume me.

I became sad and guilty and my selfishness was at an all-time high. 

I didn't care how I was affecting other people or if I did nothing all day. I was so upset with myself that I couldn't bare to see anyone around me. I was in hiding from my friends and my family.

But most importantly, I was hiding from God.

And it was hard. And it was hurtful. And it was messy.

But God pulled me out of the pit.

HE ALONE rescued me.

Sure, He used other people to do it. But He rescued me.

And I still don't know why. 

Yes. I know He loves me.

Yes. I know He died for me.

But why ME? You know?

Why would He do that for someone like me?

I guess I just kind of forgot that about the Lord. He doesn't really care how many times you mess up or how bad you did mess up. He just cares about getting you back.

He will NOT relent until He has all of you.

And that is something that I can not. I WILL not forget.

So, although life is hard and it is not getting any easier.

I will not give in. And I will certainly not give up.

Life will still be a struggle.

Some days more than others.

But I have learned to Let Go.

And truly enjoy this world that the Lord has given to us.

So I will not let the Lord's death on the cross for me have been in vain.

I am Letting Go of the sin that so easily entangles and I will finish this race.

With my eyes set on the prize that our God, MY God has set in front of me.

Forever His,

Rachel