I need you to love me.

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

This song spoke to my heart. The words really describe something I have realized the last few months.

-I don't deserve Him.

-I have spent so much time pushing Him away.

-I have kept my heart from Him.

-I have messed up beyond imagination.

But He STILL wants me.

I need to Stop pretending that I can deserve what He's already done.

I will never deserve what He has already done.

It is by His grace, His love, His death that we are saved.

That I am saved.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Here is the link in case you want to listen to the song by Barlow Girl:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QaM8l4Pn8c&feature=related

Forever His,

Rachel

Oops. Was that the line?

A friend recently told me that I should get out more. Experience the world. Maybe be a little "bad" or dangerous. Do I want to be naive my whole life? Live under a rock?

Now.

I was homeschooled till the 8th grade, so that did contribute to some of my shelterdeness.

Plus,

I accepted Jesus into my heart at age 6. 

So no time for messing up there.

And,

I've always been the role model to my three younger sisters,

and God knows I've already screwed up enough in that department.

So.

Why would getting out more and experiencing the world really be a problem?

Why shouldn't I get to have a little fun here or there?

Here is the way I see it.

As Christians, we were designed to live IN this world and not OF this world.

To be a part of it, and yet not partake in worldly things.

So.

Where is the line drawn?

How much is too much?

How far is too far?

Is getting a fake ID to get into clubs a sin?

You aren't doing anything wrong if you're not getting drunk right?

Is grinding all up on people a problem?

You aren't having sex, so where is the issue here?

The problem is,

there is no distinct "line".

We can't say "Ok. Here is the line. As long as I don't cross it, I will be ok."

Or I guess, in a sense, we could.

If we say the line is having sex, then grinding and I quote, "dirty dancing", should not be a problem right?

Because they may be getting "close" to the line,

But they are definitely NOT crossing it.

So.

What do I do?

Is crossing the line the only "bad" thing, or is getting pretty darn close to it just as bad?

I heard once that it says in the Bible to flee sexual immorality.

Not to get as close as you possibly can without crossing the line.

Not to see if you can barely touch it and then step away.

No.

I heard it means just what it says.

FLEE.

Does the same thing apply to other sins?

I mean.

If you aren't lusting or being sexual immoral in any way while you are grinding,

does it really make it bad?

You're just having fun right?

The problem is, if you aren't too careful, 

you might just end up crossing that "line".

And nobody wants to be that girl who has to say...

"Oops. Was that the line?"

Forever His,

Rachel

EXILE

"The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

they will not die in their dungeon,

nor will they lack bread.

For I am the Lord your God,

who churns up the sea so that its

waves roar--

the Lord Almighty is his name.

I have put my words in your mouth

and covered you with the shadow of

my hand--

I who set the heavens in place,

who laid the foundations of the earth,

and who say to Zion, 

"You are my people."

Isaiah 51: 14-16

The cowering prisoners will soon be set free.

They will be 

SET FREE.

I heard a sermon last night about those living in Exile.

Unwanted, unheard, and unalive.

They are living in this pit of sin and they don't feel like they can get out.

They are trapped.

Hurting.

And Suffocating.

Two people got up to give their testimonies last night. 

One of them was my prayer leader.

And he got up there and said how he had grown up in a Christian home.

Accepted Jesus when he was 12.

And continued to pursue Him all the way through college.

Then he transferred to UGA.

And he started trying to find his "identity" in something other than Jesus.

He slowly slipped away from God and into a long depression.

And he

COULD NOT GET OUT.

Or at least that's how he felt.

He felt trapped and unable to climb out of that pit by himself.

But four guys befriended him.

They loved on him.

And they poured into him.

And then they brought him to a college ministry one night.

And the Lord lifted that depression off of him.

And he was healed.

He was on medications, antidepressants, and seeing all kinds of different therapists.

But the Lord took all of that away from him.

He pulled him out of that pit.

My purpose in telling this story is not to say that the Lord heals all things and that if you go to church all your pain will be gone.

No.

I believe the Lord CAN heal all things and He could if He wanted to.

But He has a specific plan for everyone's life, and often times, He puts you through those hard things to make you stronger, better, wiser.

My real purpose in telling this story is to say that there are all kinds of "exiles" in the world.

Most go unnoticed.

Silently hurting.

Slowly fading.

I was one of them for a time.

Unwilling to let the world see me for who I was inside.

Unable to show the pain and self hatred I had for myself.

I have struggled with that self hatred for many years now.

Not being pretty enough.

Not being thin enough.

Not being GOOD enough.

And that has been a constant inner battle with me for the last few years.

But I can honestly say today that I realized something last week.

I don't have that self hatred anymore.

I don't look at a picture and wish that I saw someone completely different standing there.

Sure.

I have my days.

Who doesn't?

But I am not constantly focused on those things.

The Lord has taken them away from me.

He has set me FREE.

I know this probably sounds way supernatural or something of the sort.

Or maybe it doesn't.

But God can do all things.

And He let me fall to my lowest point this summer.

I was hurting for all the wrong reasons.

Some self hatred.

Some self pity.

BOTH sinful.

And BOTH hard to get out of.

But He slowly brought me back to Him.

It's funny how God does things.

He lets us get to our absolutely lowest point before He draws us back to Himself once and for all.

He lets us hit ground zero before He picks us up and says "Ok. That's enough. Now run back to me."

It's hard to say that I was still following God during my darkest hours.

Because I know I wasn't.

I still loved Him.

But I felt so far gone that He could do nothing for me.

HE CAN.

And He will.

Whether it be in this life, or the next.

"The cowering prisoners will soon be set free"

He came to set us free.

He lived to set us free.

He DIED an agonizing, brutal, and horrifying death to set us free.

And He will.

LOVE the EXILES.

For you may have been one of them...

Forever His,

Rachel

Where is the Love?

You know, we wonder why there isn't more love in the world. Right?

I mean, there are so many hurting people out there, and we as Christians talk about all day long about how we should go help them and stuff, 

but do we ever really?

Do we ever really give up our comfortable lives and just SERVE?

Do we ever really want to?

Now, I'm not saying you have to go and be like Ghandi, for instance.

He gave up everything to be poor and live like a peasant, in order to reach out to the hurting people around him.

But I'm not saying that is for everybody.

I do believe that God gave us what we have for a reason.

Not to squander it and continuously seek after more, 

but to be thankful for it and to put it to good use.

So WHY AREN'T WE?

I find myself so comfortable in the lifestyle that I am given that, although I constantly talk about helping others and serving the poor, I find myself maybe not wanting to.

Because it would mean giving up a piece of my comfort,

stepping out of my comfort zone,

and actually doing something for someone else for a change.

And it can be really scary.

But I think this world needs more of that.

It needs more love.

So, as Christians, and as a people as a whole, why do often find it hard to love others?

Well, I am not saying that I have all the answers or that I know why, 

but I can only speculate.

I think it is because we do not love OURSELVES enough.

I'm not saying that we have an issue with the way we look necessarily, although that could be one of the problems,

but really,

that we are not thankful enough for who WE are and what WE are given.

How can we love others unconditionally, when we can't even love ourselves?

I heard a sermon last night about Gratitude.

And the pastor said "Imagine Jesus as a waiter holding a giant pitcher of ice cold water. And we are all sitting in a restaurant, some of us maybe have had a hard time the last few years and our glass is only  half full or a quarter full, while others of us have had a pretty good time and have our glass 3 quarters full or more. And some of us, instead of being grateful for what we have, CONSTANTLY thirst for more. We aren't satisfied with what we have, no matter how much or how little it is, and we are always asking for more.

And Jesus is just telling us to WAIT. 

Just be patient. 

Be thankful with what you have now.

Be content and happy with the person that you are and the things that you have.

Because it is when you are truly thankful for what you have,

when He will come and fill your cup up with more.

He will bless you and your cup will "overfloweth"."

So stop WAITING for more.

Stop expecting your life will get better and waiting for it to change before you go do good unto others.

Do good unto others NOW.

Because it is when we are truly thankful for who we are, and what God has given us,

that we will find ourselves Wanting to love on others.

Wanting to give our lives in service to the Lord.

And love will come out of that.

Because...

Love begets love.

A wise man once said

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame."

That was King Solomon in case you were wondering.

Oh.

Did I mention he was the wisest man that ever live?

Literally.

Now chew on that....

Forever His,

Rachel

Forgive and Forget.....Right?

I have always had a thing against people who hold grudges.

"Who are YOU to hold a grudge against this person who has barely hurt you at all, while you sit here doing your own thing half the time and when you go to God for forgiveness, HE doesn't hold a grudge against you. So why would you hold a grudge against someone else???"

I just never quite understood it. 

It's kind of like the parable of the rich man and the poor man in the Bible.

Where...

This one rich man owed another great man a large sum of money. When he told this great man that he could not repay him, the important man forgave the debt of the rich man immediately and let him go on his way.

But this same rich man then goes back to his life where a very poor man owes HIM a very small sum of money.

And instead of forgiving the very small debt of the poor man, the rich man threw him in prison because he couldn't repay the debt!

How could he!! Right!?

I mean he just got a huge debt that HE owed forgiven, but then HE can't even forgive this small debt this poor man owes him.

It just does not make any sense.

But that is EXACTLY how we are.

We are that rich man. And the great man is Jesus.

And we sin OVER AND OVER AND OVER again, and yet every time we come to Jesus and tell Him that we can NOT repay the debt we owe Him, He forgives us anyway. 

IMMEDIATELY He forgives us.

Time and time again.

And then when a friend of ours (the poor man in the parable) comes to us and does us wrong in some way or can't repay us for something they have done, then we just sit here, unwilling to forgive the debt. 

Unwilling to just let it go.

And we punish this person.

By either holding this grudge against them (or I guess we would throw them in prison like in the old days lol).

And it just doesn't make any sense!!

Who are WE to not forgive and forget when Jesus forgives and forgets CONSTANTLY.

ALL THE TIME.

EVERY DAY.

Because if He didn't, we would all be dead men right now.

Because we can't repay that debt.

We can NEVER repay that debt.

He had to pay it for us.

It's funny though.

As much as I have a thing against people who hold grudges,

somehow, the more I am hurt by people and the more I get angry over little things,

the more I find MYSELF holding grudges.

The more I find MYSELF unwilling to just

Forgive.

and 

Forget.

So I know it is hard.

And often times it is just a pride issue.

God forgive me for that one as well.

But just as Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself,

so should you do this.

And by doing this, you will find that holding grudges just seems kind of silly.

Jesus forgives and forgets immediately.

Why can't we?

Forever His,

Rachel

Comfort Zone Issues.

So I was sitting on the bus today. 

Just minding my own business.

When I thought of something.

I realized that I was just sitting there. Quiet. Untalkative. and unnoticed.

And I was fine with that.

I didn't really care to turn to the person sitting beside me and say "Hey! How are you doing today?"

I didn't really care to ask the girl standing in the aisle if she had a good day.

I just wanted to sit there. Quiet. Untalkative and unnoticed.

Because I was comfortable that way.

Have you ever found yourself in that situation?

Where it is just so easy to fly through the day doing things YOU want to do and talking to people YOU want to talk to instead of actually reaching out to complete strangers?

Didn't Jesus hang out with the complete strangers?

Didn't Jesus talk to those who were never talked to?

Why can't I do that?

Sure, I may be a social person, but no social person enjoys going out of their comfort zone, no matter what it is.

I don't want to be THAT girl who starts talking to someone random I met on the bus.

Who does that?

I'll tell you who.

Jesus did that.

And I should too.

Who cares if it makes me feel uncomfortable?

Who cares if it make me sweat?

Do you really want to go through life without taking any chances or stepping out of your comfort zone?

Sometimes those chances can be the most rewarding ones of all.

You never know unless you try.

So I sat there on the bus.

Trying to muster up the courage to talk to someone I don't know.

But I felt so comfortable just sitting there silently.

So I just kept sitting there, silently.

And I came to my stop, and I got off.

I didn't change someone's life today.

And I didn't go out of my comfort zone.

But I PRAY that next time I will.

I PRAY that I will have the courage and that boldness next time.

God wants us to go out and make disciples.

How can I do that if I can't even talk to a fellow student on the campus bus?

So I will pray.

And I will seek.

And I will find that courage.

Because I know the Lord can give me some.

I just hope He gives me a desire to reach out as well....

Forever His, 

Rachel

The Seasons of Life

Just as the seasons of the year change,

so do the seasons of life.

They come and go without warning,

and change just when we don't expect them to.

I still remember my first day of 8th grade.

Now I am a Sophmore in college.

Where did time go?

Not only do the seasons of life change,

but we change with them.

I used to be quite, reserved, and shy.

Now I am louder, more outgoing, and definitely not shy.

Sure, I still have some of those more reserved aspects.

I am a conservative Republican for crying out loud.

But I have changed.

At least for the better anyway.

Have I endured hardships during those changes in life?

Yes.

Have I prayed to God that my life wouldn't change?

Yes.

Did God let it change anyway because He ultimately knew it was for my greater good and His richer joy?

Yes.

So why is it so hard when the seasons change?

Why is it so hard when the tide comes in and goes out and then comes back in again?

Don't you just wish sometimes that life would just stand still?

At least for a moment anyway.

So you wouldn't have to go through the discomfort and hardships and stress that come with the change.

Because believe me, those things come.

Good things ultimately come of the change, but it is so hard to focus on those things when you are going through those hard times.

Isn't it?

I mean for a while you are a cute kid.

Fun.

Sweet.

Lovable.

Then puberty hits.

You grow taller.

Become more gawky.

Get horrible acne.

Start needing deodorant.

You are just plain awkward.

And all you want is to get past this point in your life, 

to move on and get beautiful, or to go back and be cute again.

Either way,

you don't want to be that awkward pre-teen!

And the seasons change.

And you grow up.

And you are now in high school.

And you have to deal with boy drama.

Or AP classes.

Or drugs.

Or drinking.

And all you want is to go back to that awkward pre-teen face when all you had to worry about was what acne cream to use and what deodorant to buy.

Why couldn't life be that simple?

But then you change again.

And you go off to college.

And you start dealing with Grad classes.

And bars.

And tuition money.

And growing up.

Why couldn't you have stayed a teen in high school forever?

Why did you have to grow up?

But you see, 

there are good things that come of every change.

Every time you go through one, there is always something better that comes of it.

Unless that change is becoming a raging alcoholic,

because all you will get in that situation is knocked up and put on welfare.

My point is...

Life changes.

People change.

But one thing remains the same.

And that my friends,

is our heavenly Father.

So turn to Him in your time of need,

because He will never turn you down.

Forever His,

Rachel

Sorry. I forgot to pray for you.

Have you ever told someone that you would pray for them and never did?

I mean, like you had the most sincerest of hearts when you told them you would pray for them, and you honestly really wanted to,

but then life kind of caught up with you and you sort of forgot?

Well, this is something that happens to me ALL of the time.

You have a friend who is struggling with something.

You say "I will definitely pray for you." and really mean it.

You leave and get caught up in cleaning your room, doing your homework, and hanging with other friends.

You completely forget to pray for that person.

You realize a week later, when they tell you that "all went well and thank you so much for praying for me", that you never even prayed for them, but not wanting them to know that, say "No problem. I love praying for you."

Oops right?

I feel like this occurs in my life quite often.

Now, I am not a prayer warrior.

Some people can pray, and I just feel like they MUST have rehearsed it or something because it is such a wonderful prayer.

Like really really spiritual and everything.

He's even got a few pieces of scripture thrown in there.

And then there's me.

I pray faster than I can think, I have a tendency to go off on tangents every next thought, and I often forget words when I am praying so I substitute with "I'm not sure what happens but I pray that your will be done" or something to that extent.

God knows what I'm thinking of anyways right?

Even if I don't even know myself....

So sometimes I try to keep my prayers short, so I don't have time to screw up.

I don't have time to forget the right words or to lose my train of thought.

I just pray for one thing, and then I'm done.

Half the time, I feel like God knows it all anyways, so why does He need me to pray for it?

Why should I pray for something that has a set outcome anyways?

God is ultimately in control, so what will my one little prayer do?

But it's not about what I'm praying for necessarily, it's THAT I'm praying which counts.

The Lord loves when we come to Him and just talk.

It doesn't matter what about.

He just wants us to acknowledge Him as the king of the universe and the maker of all things.

And for us to bring our bruised hearts and bandaged lives to Him in pieces, so that He can put us back together again.

Sometimes I feel bad, 

because I often pray the same prayer before I go to bed every night.

It's about 15 seconds long, but at least I'm praying right?

It goes something like this....

"Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for this day. Thank you for keeping us safe and I pray that I will be able to glorify you tomorrow in all that I do. Please keep us safe tonight and to have a goodnight's sleep. I pray all this in your name, Amen. I love you."

And that's it.

Short.

Sweet.

And shallow.

Half the time, I just say the pray as a part of my going to bed ritual.

I don't even think about the words that I'm saying.

Now what kind of a prayer is that?

We wouldn't go up to one our friends and say the same thing over and over again.

For example, if I had a friend, and I wanted to keep up the friendship, I would just talk to them once a day for 20 seconds and say "Hey. I hope you are having a great day. I'm so glad we are friends. I'm glad we can talk about stuff. Have a great day. Bye."

What kind of a friendship would that be?

Shallow.

And meaningless.

Is that how your relationship is with the Lord?

Are you talking to Him out of obligation as a "good Christian" or are you talking to Him because you genuinely want Him to know how your day was?

Sure. He already knows how your day was,

but just as friend heard from another friend that you had a crappy day,

they would still want to hear it from you.

That's what they are there for.

A shoulder to cry on and someone to share excitement with.

And God wants to be that friend to us.

He wants us to come to Him in our best of times and in our worst of times and just tell Him what's going on.

And that's the best part.

He is ALWAYS there.

A friend who sticks by you ALWAYS and will never leave you, no matter what.

So don't come to the Father out of obligation.

Stop praying meaningless things and praying ritualistically.

Come to the Father because you want to.

Come to Him because He wants us to, and He is the only one who can truly satisfy all of our longings and cover all of our fears.

Think about that the next time you go to pray because you feel like you have to.

Pray because you want to.

That is all.

Forever His,

Rachel

Taking one for the team?

I am a people-pleaser.

It's just who I am.

I don't try to stop it, and honestly, I don't know how.

I guess I have just always been a complacent child, and even at a young age, I was never one to hog the spotlight.

I am the oldest, and I have a sister who is fifteen months younger than me. 

Let's just say that whenever we played house, she was the favorite teenager daughter who always had the boyfriend.

I usually got stuck playing the mom, or my all-time favorite role: the dog. (All you have to do is sit there and bark.)

Although there were times that I was a little jealous that she was ALWAYS the cute teenager or the pretty princess, 

it's not like I really had a choice.

First of all, this was back in my hermit days when I was like super shy.

Plus, I would have never wanted to create that sort of conflict.

Especially with my ever-popular sister.

It's just not something I enjoy.

You know.....

Drama.

Me and drama do not mix.

Like, I can listen for hours on end about my best friend's drama, or sometimes, get stuck in the middle of a fight between two good friends, but if I ever get somewhat involved,

I pull out immediately.

I do whatever needs to be done to resolve the situation quickly and painlessly.

Even if it means taking one for the team.

And THIS, my friends, is where I have been going wrong my whole life.

I had the last meeting with my counselor before I go back to school yesterday.

I was sad, because she has been a source of comfort and advice the last two months, as I have tried to overcome some issues, 

but I was also glad, because it means that I am now ready to face the world on my own again.

Or at least, I hope so.

And she told me something that I know I have been doing my whole life, but I never really thought about it the way she presented it to me.

She said "Rachel, you have had balls thrown at you your whole life. And you will continue to have balls thrown at you. But instead of catching that ball and throwing it right back, you let it hit you. Over and over and over again. While you think you are just "taking one for the team", you are only hurting yourself. You just stand there, getting smacked in the head by balls over and over again, and you don't do anything to defend yourself. Right now, you don't have the glove to catch that ball. You don't. So don't try to catch it. Because you can't. It only ends up hurting you. So either dodge that ball by doing something or throw that ball right back at them. In your life, people will hurt you. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. But don't think you can just stand there and constantly take one for the team by not saying anything. By taking the criticism quietly and moving on. That doesn't work for you. So learn how to confront people. Stop letting people hurt you, and start making them aware that they are doing it. Only then, will you have the glove to catch those balls being thrown at you."

I have never heard it said like that my entire life.

Why have I been letting those balls hit me?

Is it because I'm scared to face conflict?

Or am I afraid of ruining a relationship?

Either way, I can't let them hit me anymore.

And I won't.

It's scary to think of the future conflicts I will face and the people I will have to confront.

But I know now that I have to do it.

I love making people happy, but if it is at my own emotional and mental expense, 

is it really worth sitting there and taking one for the team....

Have you been "taking one for the team" lately?

Forever His,

Rachel

Tired and True.

It is presently 12:36 in the a.m.

I am getting up at 7 tomorrow to go volunteer all day.

I had this random idea to update my blog in quite a different way than I usually do. And when I mean in a "different" way, I simply mean not ranting on and on for three pages.

I couldn't really think of much to talk about, but one thing has been continuously popping in my head for the past few days.

It is what you call the Four Word Gospel.

And this is what it says, plain and simple.

Be sick, Be loved.

Be SICK. Be LOVED.

I don't really know how else to put it.

This is the story of the gospel.

This is what it is all about.

Now chew on that little piece of wisdom.....

Forever His, 

Rachel

P.S. I didn't come up with it, so it's not "my" little piece of wisdom.

Just clarifying...

The Always Awkward Three Second Stare.

Friends, I come to you today with a heavy heart, to tell you that I have not only been the victim of this phenomenon, but I am also guilty of it as well.

The Always Awkward Three Second Stare.

T.A.A.T.S.S.

I thought I could make an acronym out of it, and obviously I was painfully wrong.

Moving on....

This is not something we should take lightly. 

It is a very awkward phenomenon, and if you genuinely knew the person previously, 

it makes it even harder.

Perhaps I should first explain what The Always Awkward Three Second Stare, or T.A.A.T.S.S., is.

Well, first of all, this type of stare can happen with three different types of people.

The first kind of person it can happen with is the "I know you from high school or work or church or whatever but we never really talked so that doesn't really make us friends so I'm not even going to acknowledge you" person.

You lock eyes with this person for three seconds, clearly knowing who they are, but both of you decide to say nothing. Because you were never friends, but you saw them every day for the past 12 years. Ok. Moving on.

The second kind of person it can happen with is the "I know you from yada yada and we talked for a little bit, but I never really got to know you further so that also doesn't really make us friends so I'm not really going to acknowledge you now even though I have before" person.

You lock eyes with THIS person for three seconds, DEBATE whether to say hi, but they don't say Hi first so maybe they don't remember you but they probably do but you're just not going to say Hi anyway because they didn't say Hi first. Ok. Moving on.

The last kind of person it can happen with is the "We clearly had some kind of "friendship" relationship for a year or at least we talked multiple times about things and I thought we were on like a "friend" basis but I just haven't seen you in a few years so that gives me a right to not say Hi even though I kind of want to but again, they don't say Hi first so maybe they don't remember you even though they DEFINITELY do, they are just to cowardly to acknowledge you, but you go on deciding not to say Hi anyways" person.

This person is probably the most frustrating of all because you truly kind of want to say Hi but they don't say Hi to you after that three second stare so why should YOU say Hi first.

You know? 

O.K.

This stare can happen with any of these three types of people.

It is awkward.

It is painful.

But most of all, 

it is Shameful.

Did I really not make enough of an impression on that person's life that they don't even want to acknowledge me as a living being?

Or Why didn't I take the time to get to know that person?

Is it because they were in the wrong crowd and I AM A CHRISTIAN so I CAN'T be seen with people like him?

NEWSFLASH:

JESUS HUNG OUT WITH THE SINNERS.

He didn't come to save the perfect people of this world,

He came to save the broken and the lost and the hurt people.

He came to save the tax collectors and the murders and the adulterers.

Why can't I be more like Jesus?

So many times I find that we as Christians feel like we have some sort of image to uphold in being CHRISTIANS, so we distance ourselves from the hurting and the torn and the broken.

We surround ourselves with Christian this and Christian that and "Oh I am just so involved, I go to like a Bible Study every night!" and continuous Christian things,

that we forget.

We forget that Jesus doesn't call us to make sure we are perfect Christians before we go out and make disciples.

NEWSFLASH #2: 

WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE PERFECT CHRISTIANS, SO STOP WAITING TO BE PERFECT.

Go as you are. 

We all sin. We do.

But instead of constantly trying to fix ourselves, which we can't even do, only God can, 

why aren't we trying to help others who are even more in need?

Maybe they are hurting just as bad as we are, or even worse,

and yet they don't even know there is Someone who can take away their pain.

If you knew that going out and constantly ministering to everyone your entire life would change just one person's life on one specific occasion, 

would you still do it?

Is that one person worth it to you?

Well, that one person is worth it to God.

As the body of Christ, we all play a role in the eternal scheme of things, even if it is a small one.

But if that one person was you,

wouldn't you do the same?

There is a song by Natalie Grant called "Legacy" and I think it more than qualifies to apply in this situation.

It is pretty much just about wanting to "Leave a Legacy" and during the song she says "I want to leave a legacy. How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things? I want a leave an offering. A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name. I want to leave a legacy."

I want to leave a legacy.

And not one of beauty or wealth or popularity or even how "good" of a Christian I was,

I want my life to do one thing and one thing only.

Point to Jesus.

If I never go down in the history books,

that's ok.

If I never get on the top music charts of 2000 whatever,

that's ok.

If I never get to meet President Obama,

that's ok.

If I never get to do any of these things,

that's ok.

But as long as my life points to Jesus,

As long as my friends and family can say,

she devoted her life to loving others.

I think my life will have been worth something.

I don't have to change the world.

I'd just like to add a little more of Jesus to it...

Forever His,

Rachel

It's like the Civil War. Only Not...

I sat down to my computer today, ready and armed to talk about Calvinism. 

Yes. 

Calvinism.

Now, if you knew me a year ago, you would have thought that perhaps this might be something that I would investigate in the future. The future being like 3 or 4 years. Not 12 months from now.

I have always been a woman with a curiosity for things of a debatable nature. 

Now. I, myself, absolutely HATE debating, but I figure I probably should know what I believe if the event ever should present itself.

Plus, accepting Jesus into your heart at age 6 doesn't give you much freedom to "play around" with the gospel for very long.

I mean, come on. I've had 12 years to search and seek after and find.

Why am I just doing it now? You know?

But that isn't the point.

That's exactly the opposite.

I came to my blog today, with a readiness to discuss Calvinism.

Partly, because I am just now understanding what it is, and partly, because I think it is one of the greatest things I have learned in a Long time.

But,

although I was so ready and so willing to discuss such a debatable topic,

I realized something way more important.

Isn't it shocking how more often than not we find ourselves debating with other Christians over different theologies and different doctrines and different beliefs, rather than finding similarities with each other.

Like,

I don't know.

Jesus?

We talk about what WE believe and constantly debate about such insignificant things that it can be so frustrating sometimes.

Like, there are even under-the-radar stereotypes that some Christians have towards other Christians of a different denomination.

Sometimes, the pastor might even unintentionally mention them during a sermon, just as a joke!

Like, "Oh those Southern Baptists down at nah nah nah. I'm sure God will forgive them even though they nah nah nah. (everyone laughs)" 

And even though it's just a "joke", there is some kind of stereotype tagged onto it.

So, although I wanted to discuss Calvinism today,

I decided to save that for another day.

Because if we, as the Body of Christ, can't come to start making peace with Christians of other denominations, then how will we live as one body?

My body functions perfectly well as One unit, and I think it would be kind of odd if one part started doing something totally different and radical and I don't know, like maybe my finger decides to leave because he can't put up with my elbow anymore.

It just sounds silly doesn't it?

We just need to realize that all it really boils down to is love.

And if we do not have love, we have nothing.

So stop this Civil War.

We are brothers and sisters in Christ.

We live under the same Father, for the same Father.

Now stop shooting down the South.

Stop smoking out the North.

Be brothers and sisters and Christ and get over it.

He died for us, 

now let's live as One body, One church, One Bride

For Him.

Forever His, 

Rachel

A Work of Art, Ruined.

I frequently have the pleasure of babysitting for a certain family in my neighborhood that I have come to love and admire.

The kids are generally well-behaved and decent, although they ARE kids, and being so, they always come with some sort of mischief or drama or excitement.

Whatever the case, the two little boys are ALWAYS full of energy and the little girl, although adorable, likes to often pick fights with the other two. 

I mean, Hey. If I was the only girl out of three, I would probably do the exact same thing....

Anyways.

So today, while the two boys took a break and played game boys in the garage, I took it upon myself to chalk in the driveway with the little girl.

Yes. 

I still enjoy a little chalk art if I do say so myself. (I am big fan of making fake roads in the driveway or little piles of chalk that you can hit with your hand and pretend you are making indian smoke. 

How.)

And I decided to draw a beautiful orange and purple striped heart, which, I might add, took me rather long to complete.

I am a perfectionist at heart, and I sat there until every little crack and crevice of that heart was filled in, and every colored stripe was perfectly outlined.

It was a darn good multicolored striped heart.

And after I looked at the heart, I said "It was good." and I rested.

Hope you got the analogy....

And then it happened.

SHE came over.

This little girl is possibly the cutest thing in the world, but she has a thing for messing up other people's artwork.

So she came over to my perfectly drawn chalk heart and started rubbing it with her hand.

And when I say rubbing, she pretty much destroyed all the hard work I had just done on that heart.

And for a fleeting second,

I was truly upset.

It was a purple and orange striped chalk heart for crying out loud.

But it still hurt, even for just a second.

I was sad she ruined that heart, 

but I got right on it and tried to piece it back together the best that I could, by re-filling all the stripes and trying to make it look nice again.

It took me a few minutes, but I finally finished my heart for the second time.

And although it didn't look quite the same, it was still MY heart, and I had crafted it and then pieced it back together again.

And then it hit me.

Isn't it the same with God?

WE are His handiwork.

HE has crafted us and made us perfect, just the way we are.

Yes.

We are the purple and orange striped chalk heart in this analogy.

And although He made us perfect and loves us just the way we are,

when we sin, HE has to put us back together again.

When we mess up and get smudged,

HE is the only one who can fill in those orange and purple stripes perfectly.

HE is the only one who can make us brand new again.

The ONLY one.

It just really made me think. You know?

Like, if I got so upset over something fleeting like a stupid chalk heart, then how do you think the Lord of the universe feels when it is our souls on the line?

And HE is the only one who can piece you back together again.

Don't you think it probably hurts Him to see us, HIS handiwork, smudged and ruined OVER and OVER and HE gets to clean up the mess every time?

I'm pretty sure it probably does.

So just remember that next time.

We mess up daily.

Not weekly.

Not monthly.

Not annually.

DAILY.

Maybe it's time you thanked God for filling in those cracks and smudges.

Maybe it's time you thanked God for not giving up on you.

Because without Him,

we would just be another work of chalk art,

Ruined and Swept away by the wind...

Forever His,

Rachel

I am stuck on band aid brand...

We've all got em. 

Those little remnants of the times you wish you weren't so clumsy.

Or maybe you are proud of them.

Whatever the case, we've all got em.

Those little things called scars.

When you're little, getting scars isn't the funnest of businesses. 

It requires pain.

Tears.

And often times, weeks of picking scabs.

Yup.

The art of scarring.

Isn't it beautiful?

Some we get while falling off a bike.

Some we get while tripping over an object.

Some we get by running into that glass coffee table.

And some we get by falling off of treadmills.

Yes.

That would be me.

And I will forever owe the slowly fading scars on my shins to this wonderful, and did I mention proud, moment in my life.

But that story is for another day....

Regardless of how we got them, scars remind us of some moment in our lives. 

This moment might be small and meaningless.

Or it could be a giant moment in your life that you will never ever forget.

Or it could just be a moment of stupidity on your part and you would just like to forget about it...

Whatever the moment may be that the scar does such a great job reminding you of,

you still remember it for what sort of worth it may have.

For some, scars just provide a good story to share around the table.

Like "Well I was totally busting down a hill on my skateboard, about to attempt one of the greatest tricks of all time when...."

Or "And then I was about to cut that last piece of wood with that axe when..."

I mean the possibilities are endless.

But regardless of how you got the scar, 

it could not have been possible without some sort of event.

It's just science.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

If you decide to ride down that 60 foot hill without hitting the brakes,

chances are, you are probably going to crash.

And crashes usually end in all kinds of scarring...

So there it is.

The art of scarring.

You perform some kind of action.

That action ends in a nasty scrape up.

And that scrape turns into a scar.

Especially if you pick at it...

But the one thing that most people do when they get hurt

is put a bandage on it.

Some kind of band aid or gauze or SOMETHING.

I mean it's supposed to help it heal right?

If we bandage a cut, then its supposed to help it heal right?

So why do so many of those cuts end up in scars....

I ask all of these questions and continue ranting about cuts and scars and gnarly wipe outs because I just want to say that all scars aren't physical.

Sure, they may be the only ones that the world can see,

but how many of us are scarred emotionally or socially or mentally?

The world can be a nasty place.

And sometimes you do get hurt.

But this time, on the inside.

Especially when you are young, people can say things to you or do things to you that you will never forget.

Even if it is something stupid like calling you four eyes or saying you have really scrawny legs or your jump shot sucks. I don't know.

But when you are young, you just absorb so much more of this crap, and it hurts you. Bad.

You may try to bandage it up.

You may try to forget about it and hope to heal.

But how many of us have scars from those past events?

How many of us have tried to forget and move on with our lives, but we just can't quite shake that pending thought of what some said to us in middle school or did to us in elementary school?

I would say probably quite a few of us have one too many scars from being hurt as a kid.

I just wish that everyone who has those internal scars, which would be quite a few of us I bet, 

would just learn to move on.

They are a part of you.

There is some story behind why you think you are horrible at football 

or why you always wear sneakers because you think your feet are too big for anything else...

You can't get rid of that story.

It is a part of your past and a part of your history.

Just learn to live with the scar.

Learn to live your life free of limitations.

We don't daily think about that scar we got on our chin by sliding down the pavement do we?

So why think about that scar we got when someone told us we were too short to play basketball?

Forget about it and move on!

Life is full of cuts and scrapes and wipe outs.

All we have to do is deal with the pain at the time, pick ourselves back up,

and move on with our lives.

All we will really have is just another scar to show for it...

Forever His,

Rachel

yellow

I feel like all I ever talk about on here is music! But hey, songs really can give you something to talk about. Some songs are so deep and can have hidden meaning behind them, while others just say it how it is, no holding back.

Plus, songs have a melody. Unlike poems, they give you a tune to listen to, notes and different octaves to enjoy.

Two songs may be about a horrible break-up, but while one is in the key of C, the other is in the key of F minor.

There is just unlimited possibilities with songs.

Trust me. I have played the piano for 12 years.

I still wonder how some people could come up with songs off the top of their heads, while others had to think about them for years at a time.

Seriously, how long do you think it took Beethoven to compose his like 80 symphonies?

Oh, and did I mention he was deaf?

But we are all given gifts right?

While my sister is like amazing with coming up with songs on the fly,

I basically have trouble coming up with a simple 5 second tune.

My forte is definitely sight-reading.

While my sister has this wonderful ability to compose, she has trouble sight-reading music.

And while I can't compose worth my life, I can sight-read most anything put in front of me.

So why am I rambling on and on about music and songs?

Well honestly, I don't really know.

But I was listening to this song today by Coldplay called Yellow, and it really made me think.

Sure, I've heard the song before. 

Possibly many times before.

But I've never really thought what the song actually MEANT.

I mean, the song is about the color yellow for goodness sakes.

Or at least that's what I thought.

Out of pure curiosity for the meaning that Coldplay meant for the song when they wrote it,

I googled.

I wanted to see just why they would write a song called Yellow and what it really was about.

And this is what I found...

"What's it about? Who knows. I've got no idea. I still think about that every day. I love playing it. I love the tune. I love the chords. I love the balloons that we use live. But I still can't quite work out what it's about." -Chris Martin from Coldplay 

When I read this, I was a little disappointed.

I thought maybe there was some deeper meaning to this song, when the writers themselves don't even really know what its really about.

I also found another quote by Martin where he said they had the line "Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you." and really liked it, but couldn't think of a next line.

So they looked around and saw a Yellow Pages sitting on the ground and that is where the "yellow" in the song comes from.

Honestly, that is even more disappointing! 

I think the song is very beautiful, and I guess it could really have many different meanings for many different people.

I really think its just a love song. 

The song is about a man who will do pretty much anything to demonstrate his love for the one he loves.

And a color that normally represents cowardly things and sick things, is represented in such a beautiful and bold light that it just makes the song that much more beautiful.

Ok. So I just rambled on about a song that apparently doesn't have much meaning, 

but isn't it funny?

That the majority of songs that we do sing, we don't even really know the meaning behind the lyrics?

What if the meaning was something horrifying or revolting?

Would you still sing the song?

Just think about that next time you're singing along to your favorite rap song.

Do you even really know the words coming out of your mouth.....

Forever His,

Rachel

Have You Thanked God Today?

The beach is a very interesting place.

It is a place of variety and diversity.

People from all around come to the beach, no matter their size, shape, race, or culture.

People loovveee the beach.

You are pretty much bound to see all types of people.

All types.

So tonight, when my sisters and I went to go get some frozen yogurt at the local TCBY, it should be no surprise that we saw a little boy with extra small arms.

I mean, like the rest of his body was pretty much proportional, but after I took a double-take, I realized that he had extra small arms for his normal-sized body.

He was able to hold his cup of ice cream just fine, but I could just tell that it must be hard for him to do other types of activities with really small arms.

It just really made me think.

Here I am, constantly complaining to myself about the way I look and what little parts of me I absolutely hate and what I want to change and blah blah blah,

and this little boy doesn't even have normal-sized arms.

Do I have normal-sized arms?

Yes.

Do I have trouble doing every day activities?

No.

Is there anything wrong with me physically, in any way?

No.

So what the heck am I complaining for?

I take for granted the littlest parts of myself.

What about the kids who are deaf?

I should never take my ears for granted.

What about the kids who are blind?

I should never take my eyes for granted.

What about the kids who can't smell? (even though I don't even know if that's a problem)

I should never take my nose for granted.

Moral of the story:

Do I thank God daily for the working parts of my body that I have?

And I mean All of them.

That funny bone of yours was put there for a reason you know.

I just feel like often times I find myself complaining to God about my body,

when I should really be giving Him thanks and credit for it.

He made me just the way I am,

in His perfect image,

so shouldn't I be beyond grateful?

That's just it.

I need to be more grateful.

I need to thank Him more for even the most seemingly pointless parts of my body.

I mean seriously, your appendix just sits there.

But God put it there for a reason, so might as well be thankful for it!

Basically,

thank God more.

He gives us more than we could ever deserve,

so the next time I think I will be happier with different legs or a different nose,

maybe I should think about the kid who thinks he would be happier WITH a pair of legs or WITH a functional nose.

Have YOU thanked God today?

Forever His,

Rachel

True Confessions

Is it so silly to hope for perfection?

Is it so hopeless to wish for the best?

Well Yes.

And No.

Sure. We can Hope for perfection.

But sometimes we Expect it.

Sure. We can Wish for the best.

But sometimes wishes don't come true.

I have set expectations for myself over the last few years.

Sometimes, I meet those expectations.

Other times I don't.

And it's those "other" times that really get me.

It's one thing to meet your own standards.

But if you don't even live up to them,

how can you live with yourself?

Rephrase:

How can I live with myself?

Sometimes I wish I just didn't set expectations at all.

Then I could never fail them.

I would never raise the bar,

so it could never fall on top of me.

Oh how I hate being crushed.

Some people are resilient.

They fail and they fail and they fail.

And they try again.

Others such as myself,

fail and then fail and then fail.

And then suffocate to death.

We aren't very resilient.

We just get crushed in the process.

And it hurts.

It really really hurts.

No one wants to get crushed and then live to tell the tale.

All the tale would be about, would be failures.

Just failures.

So these are my true confessions.

These are the kind of things that make up my life.

I fail and I fail and I fail.

And then all I feel is 

Shame.

Guilt.

Worthlessness.

So who am I?

What am I even doing here?

Am I even worth Anything?

How much is my life worth?

How much do I COST?

And then it hit me.

I cost the death of a pure and blameless man.

I cost the torture of kind and loving friend.

I cost the pain of the one person who never leaves me.

I cost the blood of Jesus Christ.

And I will NOT let His death for me be in vain.

I will NOT let these feelings of failure constantly overwhelm me.

I will NOT be crushed by the pain I feel inside.

I will be Strong.

I will be Fearless.

And I will be Resilient.

Because my identity is not in my failures.

My identity is in Christ.

And I will Not Forget that.

Forever His,

Rachel

Wedding Dress

Even as a little girl, 

I have always dreamt of how I would look on my wedding day.

Where I would be.

Who would be there.

What man would be foolish enough to marry me.

And, what dress I would wear.

Yes.

All of these things have been going through my head for as long as I can remember.

I mean, come on.

What little girl doesn't want to have the perfect wedding and live happily ever after?

They advertise it enough in movies ALL the time.

You find your handsome prince, he sweeps you off your feet, you both have the perfect wedding,

and live Happily Ever After.

Yup.

That would be the ideal situation.

But unfortunately, this is not the movies.

This is real life and it is very rare that we are swept off our feet and go riding together into the sunset.

In fact,

it is rare if we even get our books carried for us anymore, or if we even get the door held open for us anymore.

It weighs about 2 pounds people.

Oh where has chivalry gone?

So, maybe it won't happen like in the movies.

Maybe I won't be swept up by some handsome prince.

Maybe I'll meet the man of my dreams on my way to work one day, just passing by.

Maybe I'll meet him at the grocery store while I'm shopping for hair products.

Maybe I'll meet him at the local singles group night at church.

Or maybe I've already met him and I just don't even know it yet.

All of these situations are exponentially more probable than being swept off my feet and riding off into the sunset.

But that's ok.

Because as long as I look darn good on my wedding day,

none of that other stuff matters.

You know, you go to weddings and you wonder just how surprised the groom really is when he sees his bride coming down the aisle in her wedding dress for the first time.

I'm not a guy so I will never get to experience that.

I'll be on the other end.

I'll be the one walking down the aisle. 

I'll be the one he is looking at when he gets that look on his face.

Yup.

"The Look."

The Look of "I don't really care what I'm getting myself in to. All I know is how beautiful she looks."

THAT look.

So,

why have I been rambling on about weddings and about the perfect wedding dress? (which for me would be kind of like the Vera Wang one Kate Hudson wore in Bride Wars, but that's besides the point)

You may be thinking, she is only 18 for goodness sake.

Well, the reason that my ramblings have been centered on weddings is because of this song I found yesterday.

A friend introduced me to this artist the other day and now, this is seriously my favorite song.

Here is the link to the song on youtube if you care to listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53eAvrknuZA

And here are the lyrics to the song.

They are so convicting and soul-wrenching.

Please listen to the song and read the lyrics for yourself.

They are very powerful....

If you could love me as a wife 
and for my wedding gift, your life 
Should that be all I'd ever need 
or is there more I'm looking for 

and should I read between the lines 
and look for blessings in disguise 
To make me handsome, rich, and wise 
Is that really what you want 

I am a whore I do confess 
But I put you on just like a wedding dress 
and I run down the aisle 
and I run down the aisle 
I'm a prodigal with no way home 
but I put you on just like a ring of gold 
and I run down the aisle to you 

So could you love this bastard child 
Though I don't trust you to provide 
With one hand in a pot of gold 
and with the other in your side 

I am so easily satisfied 
by the call of lovers so less wild 
That I would take a little cash 
Over your very flesh and blood 

Because money cannot buy 
a husband's jealous eye 
When you have knowingly deceived his wife 

That is all.

Forever His,

Rachel

Childhood Simplicities...

We've all done it.

Packed our bags. 

Made our peace.

Left a note.

And resolved to run away.

It may not have been far.

And it may not have lasted long.

But we've all done it.

Or at least pondered the idea...

Life is so much easier when you're young. Isn't it? 

I mean, if you can just decide to pack up and runaway because you have had a bad day, or your sisters were being mean, or you forgot to take out the trash, then how hard could life really be?

As a child, we don't realize that we can't runaway from our problems.

We just figure, well HEY. That obviously didn't work out for me or I will never be good enough for this, etc. etc. and we just think. Ok. I'm not needed here. 

I'm just going to leave.

Bye.

That is our rationalization.

That is what we think will make EVERYTHING better.

So we do it.

We runaway.

Only to find out that it doesn't work,

at least for long anyway....

I love the simplicities of children.

They are so carefree and forgiving that I almost wish I was a kid again.

I mean technically I am now an adult at 18, but honestly, I don't feel that way.

Sure, I may be at the age where responsibilities begin to add up.

One after the other.

But I don't want them to.

I don't want to have to worry about making enough money to pay the rent, or to worry about getting my taxes paid on time, or even finding a wonderful husband and then having 10 babies and a house.

Ha ha just kidding.

But seriously.

It is kind of scary sometimes.

Sometimes I do wish that I could just runaway.

Pack up some clothes in my Dora suitcase

And get the heck out.

Right?

Isn't that what most people do anyway when they get scared of life?

I mean not exactly the whole Dora suitcase part, 

but they kind of runaway in their own way?

Maybe for some, it is turning to alcohol for comfort.

Or for some it could be finding peace in a job.

Or for others, maybe it is just watching CNN sports center CONTINUOUSLY, everyday, all day. 

ALL coping mechanisms for the harsh realities of life.

So how do we learn to face life head on?

Is it just by stickin up our fists and swinging.

At WHATEVER life throws at us?

Or is it by talking things through.

And figuring things out?

I'd like to think it's kind of a combination of the both.

When life gives us lemons, lets make lemonade right?

Well,

although I do wish sometimes that I could be like Peter Pan and be a mere boy (or girl in my case) forever, I know there are many seasons of life, and this is just one of the few.

So instead of packin up that Dora suitcase and leavin on a jet plane,

I'm going stick it out.

I just pray that I keep my head on straight throughout the process of growing up.

It's a long one.

And that Dora suitcase won't be there to save me anymore.

But I know the Lord will.

I may not be a child anymore.

And life may not be as simple as it once was.

But I can handle it.

Because I have something better than a Dora suitcase.

I have the Savior of the world by my side.

Yup.

The Savior of the world.

And if HE is for me.

Who shall be against me?

Forever His,

Rachel

Life's a Journey. You better bring your walking stick...

Ever since I was little, I was surrounded by Christianity. I grew up in a Christian home, had Christian parents, went to a Christian church, accepted Christ into my heart at age 6, etc. etc.

You get the point.

My life was pretty much as "Christian" as they get.

You know the "I have been a Christian since I can remember" testimony?

Yep. Well, that's me.

Never smoked a day in my life.

Never taken drugs.

Never gotten drunk.

Never had sex.

Yup.

Like I said.

My life has been the epitome of going to church, hanging out with my family and friends, and being a good "Christian" girl.

But,

I am older now.

Life is not all fairytales and gumdrops anymore.

Although, it is very EASY to believe that,

especially being homeschooled and therefore, SHELTERED for the majority of my young life.

And that's ok.

I'm glad I was sheltered.

I'm thankful that I didn't have to see the harsh realities of the world at such a young age.

I'm thankful for my vast knowledge of the scriptures, on account of all the Sunday School and the Bible lessons at home.

I'm thankful that I am blessed beyond measure in all of these areas.

But, all of these things will not get me into heaven.

Let me rephrase that,

They CAN NOT get me into heaven.

Like my dad always says,

"I can't get you into heaven. I can't accept Jesus for you. You have to do that all by yourself."

And it's scary sometimes.

To know that what it all comes down to is really between you and God.

NO ONE can learn about Jesus for you. NO ONE can ask forgiveness for your sins.

NO ONE can accept Jesus into your heart.

Only YOU can do that.

And that is just down right scary.

What if I didn't really mean it?

What if the things I believe aren't all right?

What if I sin RIGHT BEFORE I DIE?

Where will I go?

Will I still be saved?

These are the kinds of questions I ask myself all of the time.

I used to be so afraid when I was younger that maybe I wasn't really saved.

Maybe I still was going to hell, even though I thought I had accepted Jesus.

I was scared.

No, I was terrified.

And all I could do was cry and wonder what did I have to do to be saved.

And you know what.

At that young age, I still hadn't realized it.

I can't do ANYTHING.

I never could have.

It is only by grace that we have been saved THROUGH faith, 

it is not the works that we do,

but it is the GIFT of God,

so that NO MAN can boast.

So.

Like every other Christian, I still have my occasional doubts here and there, 

but I know with everything in me now, that even if I wanted to, I could do nothing to earn my salvation.

Absolutely nothing.

Now,

all Christians come back to this sole constant of Jesus and love, but there are so many beliefs intermingled within different denominations.

Sure, one church believes in free will, another predestination.

One believes in infant baptism, another totally against one.

One in women preachers, another only men...

etc. etc. etc.

So.

Which one is right?

Which one is wrong?

Which denomination has it all put together perfectly?

Well, I would like to say that my denomination does, or that what I believe is FULLY and COMPLETELY the absolute truth.

But honestly, 

I don't know.

You know, the only REAL truth comes from the word of God.

And that is something that I have been trying to grasp for the past few years of my life.

Just because my parents are Presbyterian (technically reformed baptist), does that mean I have to be?

You know it's really funny.

A lot of kids that grow up in the church under one denomination usually stay that denomination their whole lives.

Is it because they have researched and found that doctrine to be true themselves?

Or is it because that is all they have ever known and they are COMFORTABLE there.

See, I think life is a journey.

And as a Christian your spiritual walk is probably the greatest part of your journey.

So make sure you have the tools to really make it home.

Don't settle for something that has been with you your whole life.

Go OUTSIDE the lines. 

Explore.

Find out what you believe and do it ON PURPOSE.

Don't fumble around your whole life trying to settle for something you think you "might just agree with".

Find where you stand, but make it a point to continue searching.

Because ALL of life's a journey.

And it is pretty darn long, so you better bring your walking stick....

Forever His,

Rachel

Beautiful

I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I once told someone that this was the theme song to my life. This beautiful song by Bethany Dillon (no pun intended) has really pulled at my heart strings over the years. It is a song that I have ran back to over and over again because of the truth that lies behind it.

Every girl wants to be "beautiful". There is not a single girl in the world that wakes up one morning and thinks "I hope I look really unattractive today". 

I just don't think that happens.

Ever.

All girls were made to be beautiful. Some girls may be more physically beautiful than others, according to the world's standards, and some girls may be more inwardly beautiful than others.

It is just the way the Lord made us.

Individual and Unique.

The majority of the female population in the United States wishes they were a size smaller or a size larger than they are. 

No woman is fully satisfied with her appearance.

Approximately 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance.

And that's not all...

81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat.

TEN YEARS OLD 

and they are afraid of being fat.

It is just mind blowing to see that at 10 years old, a young girl can come to the conclusion that she is not beautiful enough just the way she is. 

She must do SOMEthing to make herself look as good as the girls portrayed in the media.

NEWSFLASH.

The majority of those girls are airbrushed and photoshopped and whatever, to look the way they do on the magazine cover.

Which is perfect and FAKE.

And despite the fact that I know this to be the truth and despite the fact that I can easily say this to some other girl struggling with her appearance,

it is so very hard for me to believe it.

I have always been a perfectionist as a child and would get upset if the littlest thing was out of order.

I guess it just comes with the First Child A-Type Personality Syndrome.

To go along with that, 

I always had two younger sisters who were always smaller than me and were always a lot more outgoing than me.

Yes.

I was a very shy child.

A Hermit, if you will.

I know it may be hard to believe,

but it's the truth.

Anyway, I was just always very insecure about myself and wanted to change.

And the summer after my sophmore year of high school,

I really did.

I thought I was actually really truly beautiful for the first time in my life.

I was actually satisfied with the way I looked and how I felt as a person!

Sure, I may have been a few sizes smaller, and sure, I may have gotten there by eating like a three year old, but hey. 

If it works it works. Right?

Wrong.

It didn't last.

And that just led into a downward spiral of the last four years of my life.

Trying to get back to that "happy" place.

Trying to get back to being thin again.

Trying to get back to being Beautiful.

So.

I was so unique.

And then I felt skin-deep.

Sometimes I do wish I was someone other than me.

And I did constantly try to make the mirror happy.

But I am DYING for new life.

And I want to be beautiful.

But I want to make HIM stand in awe.

And for Him to look inside of my HEART 

and be amazed.

And I want to hear Him say.

That who I AM is quite enough.

Because IN HIM is the only way,

He makes me WORTHY of Love and

Beautiful.

Forever His,

Rachel

Human Trafficking.

Over 800,000 people are trafficked across international borders annually.

After the illegal sale of drugs and weapons, the biggest criminal business is human trafficking.

These are the facts. 

This is a travesty.

After watching the 3 hour long movie "Human Trafficking" on Lifetime Movie Network (Yes. I do in fact watch this channel and love the movies on it.), I was moved to tears.

The entire movie shows the horrible industry of sex trafficking and what it does in women and children's lives.

And the saddest thing is,

America is the leading center for this horrific industry.

The LEADING center.

How many of us knew that this was going on under the radar?

Unspoken of, and Unheard of.

It is just revolting to know that so many people actually "buy" people for their own enjoyment.

Many of these buyers have their own families at home!

It just disgusts me.

It is the modern day form of slavery, and if we don't do anything to stop it, it is just going to keep growing and growing.

Think about it. You only make so much off of selling crack cocaine or heroin.

It is a one time deal.

But when you are selling someone over and over, it is an unlimited profit with less expense to you.

It is just horrifying.

And disgusting and so sad.

So.

Many people may not know about it. Many people may not want to talk about it.

But it is out there. And it is real. And it is going on right now.

What will you do about it?

Forever His,

Rachel

Rainy Day Insights

I'm just going to say it.

I. love. rainy. days.

There. I said it.

I love them. They are way up there with some of my favorite things of all time. Right next to late night deep conversations and swinging on swings at the park.

Yes. They may be dreary and sad and wet,

But I think they are one of the most beautiful parts of God's creation. 

He made this world in such a way, that when it starts to get too dry or too hot or the lakes get too low, He replenishes it! It just really amazes me.

And I love love loveee the thunder. And the lightening.

I can't even describe it.

There is just something so romantic about thunderstorms that I feel is kind of an unspoken truth. They are so beautiful and calming and exhilarating, all at the same time.

Isn't creation wonderful?

So.

As I sit here listening to the sound of the pouring rain as it hits the rooftop and the ground below, and the sound of the thunder at it gets farther and farther away, I just can't help but think about my life and how the past few months have been continuous rainy days. One after the other.

I had my weekly visit with my counselor today, where we talked about life and how I have been managing these rainy days. 

It was the usual "This is what I'm doing and this is what I know I need to do" kind of stuff.

But one thing she said really hit me.

Hard.

She said, "I feel like you have been living at the end of a buoy, drifting off at sea. The end of the buoy is tied to Jesus, but you have let yourself drift so far away, that every time a wave comes, you move with the tide. Sure, you may still be tied to Jesus, but if you are letting every decision you make day to day determine your happiness, you will be pushed around constantly and never have a firm foundation. You need to anchor yourself to the one thing that will always remain constant, no matter HOW many waves come passing by. You need to anchor yourself to Jesus. Stop letting other things determine your self worth and your happiness.

The only worth that is evenly remotely important is the worth that you find in Jesus. He will be a constant life saver for you, even if you feel like you are on the verge of drowning. Start anchoring yourself to Him and He will Never let you go. Ever."

Deep right?

I know. It just hurt me to know that I have let myself drift that far out to sea, that even the little things really get me down. It just seems plain silly.

So, that was definitely something that I really needed to hear.

Both for my spiritual life and my emotional life.

Then, I was reading my daily Isaiah reading and this is the passage I found from chapter 7...

Isaiah 7: 9

"If you do not stand firm in your faith, 

 you will not stand at all."

Ok, I don't know about you but this verse TOTALLY sums up everything I have been ranting about for the past 5 minutes.

I haven't been standing firm in my faith.

Sure, I may have been "standing" but i surely wasn't standing "firm".

And now I see that that means I wasn't even really standing at all.

You can call yourself a Christian as often as you want, as loud as you want, to whoever you want.

But if you aren't planted dead-center on Jesus, 

your faith means nothing. 

That is something that I need to work on. 

Standing firm in Him, even if it means that rest will never come.

Standing firm in Him, even if the waves are too overpowering.

Standing firm in Him, even if I am about to drown.

Because if I do not stand firm in Him, 

I will never stand at all.

Forever His,

Rachel

Oh Isaiah.

For the past week I have been attempting to read through the book of Isaiah. A chapter a day kind of thing. Some days I miss one. Some days I read two.

It just sort of depends.

Well. This morning I opened my Bible to Isaiah 5, the chapter that I was going to read today.

And the title of it was "The Song of the Vineyard".

Let me repeat that.

"The. Song. of. the. Vineyard".

Now I know that some Old Testament books have some interesting titles to their chapters, but for some reason, I just could not help but laugh at this hilarious title.

I literally sat there and debated on whether to read it or not because it just sounded too funny.

I am sorry if you are not laughing with me at this very moment.

I guess it was kind of a "you had to be there" sort of thing.

Anyways.

So I did end up reading this page and a half long chapter to basically conclude that the Lord has a vineyard. It was Israel. He tried to get a good crop of grapes from it. But basically it only gave bad fruit. So he decided to destroy the whole vineyard.

Moral of the story: Israel defied the Lord. The Lord got angry. The Lord destroyed Israel.

End of story.

Yes. It was both compelling and rich. 

But, since I didn't quite love this specific chapter of Isaiah. I decided to read the next chapter as well. Isaiah Chapter 6.

Now, I usually just pick out one or two little quotes from the chapter so that I can remember it by, and this specific verse really stood out to me.

I'm sure some of you have heard it before.

Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

And I said, "Here I am. Send me!"

I don't know about you. But I want this to be me!

I want to be able to give up everything I have at any time and just say, "Lord, HERE I AM! Send ME!"

We are so lost in this world of materials and possessions, that we forget what are real calling in life is!

God made us for this great commission! He has called us to watch and pray for this day to come.

Will we be WILLING when it does come?

Will we be excited to lay down everything that we own?

Will we be excited to give up everything that we have worked for?

Will we give up everything with a willing heart?

Or will we give up everything grudgingly and painfully?

THESE are the questions that I ask myself.

Yes. I want to give up everything to follow Jesus Christ.

Yes. I want to be called to pick up my cross ALONE and follow Him.

But how easy will it really be?

I'm sure it will be hard. 

Really hard.

But could I do it?

I know we are supposed to pick up our cross DAILY and follow Him.

But how many of us really pick up our crosses ALONE, you know?

Like I usually pick up my cross and then next to that is my phone, and my purse, and my ipod, and my money, and my clothes, and my looks, and my luxuries, and etc. etc. etc.

So am I really saying daily, "Here I am Lord! Send ME!"

Or am I saying, 

"Here I am Lord! Send *ME!"

*ME includes Rachel, her clothes, her money, her phone, her soap, her shower.....

Really?

Can I not live without these things for a day?

Or at least live without not thinking about them?

I feel like we as Americans subconsciously think about our possessions ALL of the time.

Like, I wonder who has called me recently or I hope there's enough money left in the bank for... or I can't wait to take a nice hot shower later.

These are just a FEW of the many things we as Americans take for granted.

It just really amazes me how LITTLE we can live without.

If someone doesn't have their blackberry it's like

ALERT the MEDIA! We have a SITUATION on our HANDS!

I don't know.

I just hope that when that day comes, 

and the Lord asks, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

I can say, 

"Lord, Here I am. With nothing to offer other than my life. I don't need anything other than You. Lord, Send ME."

That is my prayer.

That is my plea.

Forever His,

Rachel

Letting Go....

There are a lot of things in my life that I am not proud of. Some more than others. For example, I am not proud of the fact that I have picked on my younger sisters for the majority of their lives. Or, the fact that I often push people away when they start to get close to me. Or, the fact that I have dealt with a disorder that has affected my spiritual walk with God and has hurt the people around me. All of these things compose only a small portion of the "things" that I wish I could just forget about. The "things" that although may be quite a realistic part of my life, I wish they were just a figment of my imagination.

But although I am not proud of these things, they make up a huge part of who I am. Who I am as a daughter. Who I am as a sister. Who I am as a friend. And regardless of the fact that they do not make up the proudest moments of my life, they do still make up a part of it whether I like it or not. They are a part of my story and a part of my testimony and a part of my life.

I have realized that the hard parts of your life never go away. Life never gets easier. 

Ever.

I had this fantasy that when I would go off to college, all the problems in my life would just disappear. To my dismay, quite the opposite happened.

I was involved in all of the college ministries, all the Bible studies, and all of the prayer nights. 

But a life full of Christian "stuff" and a life without God is really no life at all.

There were nights that I would come home from a great night of worship, praising the Lord, and after one wrong decision to give in, I was left in a pitfall of shame and guilt and worthlessness. I thought God had forgotten about me.

I was drenched in a spiral of spiritual alienation and self hatred because of the person I had become inside. Not the person that the world saw, but the real person inside. 

The one that no matter how hard I tried, Could Not hide from God.

I prayed all the time for other people and for a revival on the college campus, but I had just given up praying about my own hurts and bruises. 

I was Convinced that the Lord was doing miracles in everyone around me, but somehow He could not save me. I was TOO messed up and TOO worthless for Him to even begin working in me. How could He possibly handle a person like me?

Sure, He can save people from drug addictions and alcohol because that is the "normal" stuff to get saved from. But how could He save me from my sin and my addiction?

How could He possibly know how? Especially because it was MY fault and MY responsibility and MY failure. And I was too selfish to be saved.

I could handle it myself. 

The Lord didn't need to waste His time on me. 

He had better things to do.

So I just gave up on asking God for help. I got lost in the sin and shame and let it consume me.

I became sad and guilty and my selfishness was at an all-time high. 

I didn't care how I was affecting other people or if I did nothing all day. I was so upset with myself that I couldn't bare to see anyone around me. I was in hiding from my friends and my family.

But most importantly, I was hiding from God.

And it was hard. And it was hurtful. And it was messy.

But God pulled me out of the pit.

HE ALONE rescued me.

Sure, He used other people to do it. But He rescued me.

And I still don't know why. 

Yes. I know He loves me.

Yes. I know He died for me.

But why ME? You know?

Why would He do that for someone like me?

I guess I just kind of forgot that about the Lord. He doesn't really care how many times you mess up or how bad you did mess up. He just cares about getting you back.

He will NOT relent until He has all of you.

And that is something that I can not. I WILL not forget.

So, although life is hard and it is not getting any easier.

I will not give in. And I will certainly not give up.

Life will still be a struggle.

Some days more than others.

But I have learned to Let Go.

And truly enjoy this world that the Lord has given to us.

So I will not let the Lord's death on the cross for me have been in vain.

I am Letting Go of the sin that so easily entangles and I will finish this race.

With my eyes set on the prize that our God, MY God has set in front of me.

Forever His,

Rachel